Kyle's Rants
by MarshieMello-Cookies
Summary: In which Kyle rants about things.
1. That Kid With Annoying Hair

**Welcome to Kyle's Rants! (Note: This chapter has been rewritten)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own South Park in any way whatsoever. Don't sue me, because I spend all my money on hoodies and pasta.**

What the fuck have I stumbled into? I mean, I was bored – Really bored. What do you do when you're bored? Search up your house on Google Maps. The last thing I was expecting was to come across this. I mean, holy shit, I didn't even know this existed!

How many years have I been oblivious to this? I mean….fuck…

Well, anyway, after a bit of research, I came across a crazy bitch under the alias Cookie. She had an understanding of this 'fanfiction', and told me I should rant to you guys via FanFiction, to try and get the message across.

I guessed it was worth a try, so that's why I'm here. Well, not specifically here, as in being physically inside your laptop/computer/phone. That's just being retarded. Actually, now that I think about it, there was that one time with Facebook…I was acting like a bitchy teenage girl though…I tend to push it to the back of my memories.

So, I eventually came across 'Fanart' when I searched my name in Google Images. Come on, who hasn't searched their name in Google before? Well, that's the point of focus for my first rant. I don't want to be a critical little bitch, but I think this really is something to rant about.

My motherfucking hair.

Firstly, for fuck's sake, my hair is red, guys. Not fire-truck red, not orange, not ginger, natural RED! Why don't people get that? Seriously, could you at least get the colour right? I'm sorry for sounding like an asshole, but I'm being serious here. There is a difference between orange and red. The two are similar, but there is a difference.

I guess I can't be a total asshat about the colour though. I mean, I don't really like showing my hair that much anyway.

Secondly, my hair is a fucking bunch of curls, which won't straighten even if I try! Why does most fan art have me with straightened hair? Yes, I have actually tried to straighten my hair. The straighteners got caught in my hair, and eventually burned a chunk of. That's why I don't even try going near them anymore. Not to mention the smell of burnt hair is insanely strong. Imagine that lingering around your nose for a day or two.

I mean, sometimes in fan-art, it's sort of curly, but have you seen my fucking hair? It's a huge motherfucking bunch of curls! Goddamnit, I don't even like talking about this. I hate my hair.

It's annoyingly untameable too. If I try to brush it, it doesn't work. Actually, the brush usually ends up stuck in my hair, and I have to pull the little fucker out. Not trying to sound like a wimp, but it hurts. Not as much as boiling hot metal straighteners buring into your scalp though. That really fucking hurts.

And then, some people think my hair looks 'cute'. Cute? Really? Of all things, cute? You make it sound like I'm some sort of kitten. Is that why I'm always the girly character in fan art? I'd go into more detail on this, but I'll leave that for another rant.

Another thing, why does my hair usually look so girly in freakin' fan art? Stan's looks awesome, Kenny's looks sexy (In a not gay way), and fuck, even Cartman's hair looks better than mine. For fucks sake, why don't you just put it into a freakin' ponytail? It probably already exists though, am I right?

To top that, a lot of people think I look like a strawberry. A strawberry, really? Do they have to pick the girliest fruit to resemble me? Well, at least it isn't a Goddamn banana. Fuck, I hate bananas.

So. Fucking. Much.

I think I'll wrap it up here, mainly because the subject of my hair makes me want to pull my hat down across my eyes.


	2. That Cross Dressing Kid

**Hey guys! Even with only two reviews, I've decided to continue the story! This will be a bit weird for me, and may be at bit out-of-character, as I haven't been in the fandom for months, but hey, I'll give it a go!**

**I only posted the first chapter as a goodbye, but the two reviews picked me out of my depression instantly. That's how easy it is. One review, and rainbows shall shine where I walk! So, this a little thank you for reviewing.**

**So, here you are! The Chapter 2 that was never meant to be written, has been written!**

Ok then, where was I? Oh yeah, being the girl. Why am I the fucking girly character? It's because I cross-dressed to help Britney Spears, isn't it? It is, isn't it! Or because my World of Warcraft character was a chick. I CLICKED THE WRONG FUCKING BUTTON, FOR FUCKS SAKE!

They were one off occasions! I mean, Butters is way girlier than me! We even dressed him as a chick, sent him to a slumber party, and he **liked** it. HE LIKED TRANSDRESSING AND DANCING AT A CHICKS PARTY, AND YET I'M STILL GIRLIER?!

What the fuck man, seriously, what the fuck.

And fanart! I've seen more than enough pictures of me in a motherfucking dress. Pink, poofy, covered in bows – All that shit. Does that turn you on, in some strange, fucked up way?

And wedding dresses too, being carried bridal style by **Stan**. I have a shit ton of ranting to do on that one, so I'll save that for next time. But really? Really?!

Just go on goddamn Deviantart, and search South Park dress, or trannys, or some shit like that, and who is the number one result? I'll let you figure that out yourselves.

There was one of me as a 'strawberry princess' or Ichigo from Tokyo Mew Mew. The pink cat-girl. And I'm pretty sure Stan was dressed as Mint, trying to look up my skirt. Why are you doing this to me? Am I really that dislikable, that you dress me like a kitty cat fairy princess?

And fics! There are ones where I'm a chick. Not cross-dressing, but me, as an actual chick. And then there's ones where I'm actually wearing make-up, from some dare or something. Even if I did lose a bet, would I really risk the remains of my dignity by wearing make-up?

There was even one where I moved away, and when I came back, the guys were hitting on me because they thought I was a sexy chick. Thank you for thinking I'm sexy, but a chick? DO I REALLY LOOK LIKE A GIRL?

I don't think I have any masculinity left thanks to you crazy fangirls…

I may as well go find some dress, put it on, and put my hair in pretty little pigtails. You'd like that, wouldn't you?

I just don't even know any more…

**Sorry Kyle, but you are hot as a girl. Anywho guys, I really hoped you liked this. If I get at least two reviews for this chapter, I will write another one. I have got a bit of an idea for this. **

**Thanks for reading this, and please review!**


	3. That Emo Kid

**You guys are amazing! Two short chapters, and seven reviews! Every review means so much to me! Firstly, the Yaoi rant shall be coming, but since that's one hell of a rant, I'll save it for now. Secondly, I have changed my username, from xXCookieDoughXx to MarshieMello-Cookies. Either way, I'm still Cookie ^3^**

I'm starting to wonder if the internet is where all the insane people go. I mean, I thought South Park was bad, with all the random ass shit that happens, but compared to this crazy world of the wide web, the place seems almost normal.

Yes, I just said that. Piss Floods and Giant Robots. Normal.

What am I to you? Some guy who cross-dresses, cries way too much, faints like a pussy, and crushes like a teenage girl over my best friend. I have no idea where you got that from. For fucks sake, you have turned me into some gay little emo. I'm not a fucking emo kid!

If I was, I'd be hanging with the goth-kids, and slicing my wrists, while writing some shitty poetry with my hands all mutilated and shit. Does that really seem like something I would do?

And suicide fics! There are more than enough fics of me being rejected by Stan, crying like a pussy, writing a note saying I love him, then go die in some morbid way, to please your sadistic minds.

I mean, come on! Even if I was rejected, (which if it ever happened, I would be, since neither of us are gay) I would not kill myself! I'd probably have no dignity left, since you fangirls have robbed me of it, and little pride, since you have stolen that from me as well, but really? I'm more of a logical person than that. I'd just move on.

Then again, none of that would happen, because I'm not gay for my best friend.

You fangirls must love to torture me. I mean, there are fics where Cartman does things to me…which I **really **don't want to talk about. All that fat…and flab…

I just shuddered. You guys seriously freak me out.

Anyways, there are also fics where I am kidnapped, tortured, stuck in a car accident, given some terminal illness and whatnot, and how do they all end? With Emo-Kyle. Motherfucking pussy emo-Kyle.

You fans could make it up to me by writing a fic where I meet emo-Kyle, and tell him to stop being a pansy and man up. That would repay the trauma I have suffered from that fic with Cartman…and the flab…and all the rolls of fat….

Out of all the damn things that make emo-Kyle suicidal, seeing Cartman naked would definitely work. I would contemplate killing myself, just to rid my eyes of that sight. I mean, that's logical! It makes sense! Who wouldn't want to jump off a bridge after seeing that fat tub of lard..naked….

I shuddered again. Fuck you fangirls. Those thoughts…you have mentally scarred me for life. Thank you very much.

I think I learned something today. Fangirls are sadistic physcos who like to see me suffer, and become a little emo kid.

**I hope this wasn't offensive to anyone. I mean, half the time, I'm a sad little emo kid. But seriously, suicide and self-harm is pretty serious shit. I don't really know what else to say…**

**But anywho, thanks for reading, and please leave a review! I'm hardly in an emo mood when I get reviews!**


	4. That Nerdy Kid

**MOAR CHAPTERS! Anywho, with school beginning tomorrow, I may not be as fast to post, as I have a **_**lovely**_** pile of English coursework waiting for me. Still, I'll try to keep posting! Anywho, this chapter idea is that of WendsleydaleCheddar! This one goes out to him, as well as everyone who reviewed!**

Goddamnit. Are you fucking kidding me? I mean, yes, I am smart and whatnot, but for that, why am I the nerdy kid? Will glasses and braces make it better? Y'know, just wear a bow-tie, and all that shit.

What about you? Are you the smart kid? Does that necessarily make you a nerd? No, I don't think so. Besides, we live in South Park. Nearly everyone are stupid. I mean, the beaver thing! Are they really that stupid? If they just looked at some basic information, and maybe even looked at the _crashed boat _in that goddamn dam, wouldn't that give them some sort of idea?

Seriously, with that in your minds, is it any wonder I am somewhat smarter than them? Yes, I will admit, there were times where I may have been slightly naïve, but hey, I was just a kid! That's natural human nature.

Other than that, I'm not a nerd! Just smart. It's a useful tool in humiliating Fatass. And for getting us out of those seemingly life or death situations. Like fucking Al Gore and his damned ManBearPig. That bullcrap nearly killed us.

Life is a weird little motherfucker. In a _normal _town, kids would learn lessons naturally, from random shit, like climbing a tree, or calling names, or some shit like that.

But no. Here, if life wants to teach you a lesson, it will try and drown you in piss, or smother you under a giant robot, or get into a fight with the Colonel of KFC. In South Park, life can be a _bitch_.

Besides all that shit, South Park needs at least _someone _with some sense. I mean, Stan's got sense, Cartman is a retard who think the Chinese are taking over, and Kenny? Well, I'm pretty sure he's just Kenny.

But before I end off, what the fuck has happened to grammar! You has become u, and why has become y! And there are motherfucking abbreviations for everything! And spelling! Spelling has gone to shit!

Please tell me you have some sense, and that you're not a retarded Fatass like Cartman.

**Leave a review? I mean, this had 150 views one day, and yet, not everyone left a review. It's pretty sad…But anywho, reviews please! They'll pick me up from the September blues quicker than…Usain Bolt!**

**Cookie**


	5. That Kid Who Fucks Logic with MPreg

**HUZZAH! Another chapter! With shit happening, this has been later than I had hoped it to be, but oh well, at least it's here! The idea for this goes out to purple-ushanka, as I feel that I have left out this kinda stuff. And, to Guest – Cartman is a racist, retarded, bastard, but that is why people love him. I love him, and yet hate him o.0**

Being from South Park, this may seem somewhat hypocritical, but there are rules to this fucked up game of life. I'm pretty sure you're old enough to know how babies are made, yes? Because if not, there are no creepy-ass storks, and if you walk in on it as a child, you will be scarred for life.

I'm still trying to get those mental images out of my head. It was just…so...I mean….It was my parents…

Aw dammit, the memories are coming back! I thought I'd finally pushed that out of my mind, and now they're back. Just so…ugh….

CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW FUCKED UP A CHILD'S MIND IS FROM SEEING THEIR PARENTS NAKED? Fucked up so bad, it's off the scale on the Fuck-O-Meter. Therapists couldn't even help me…

Why the fuck am I even telling you this?

But anywho, it doesn't matter how much buttsecks you have – Two guys _**can't**_ have a baby. Unless I am apparently some kind of he-she, that's been mixed between sexes, without ever knowing. Of course, I think I would know my now. The red river has not flown, and it shall never flow, as I am clearly a guy. A guy with little man points, that's all. I'm still holding this against you.

Even if Stan and I…did it….

_Get that mental image out of my head. Get that mental image out of my head. Get that mental image out of my head. Get that mental image out of my he-_

Uh, anyways…shouldn't there be a 50/50 chance of who's the mom? I mean…C'mon! I'm his best friend, _not the mother to his child!_

**SCIENCE DAMMIT! OPEN A SCIENCE TEXTBOOK, AND READ THAT SHIT! TWO GUYS, NO MATTER HOW MANY MAN-POINTS ONE HAS LOST, CAN'T HAVE A GODDAMN BABY!**

And if we did, face the facts, that thing would drive me to kick the baby all the way to Canada. I need sleep! And I have to get some form of education! And I'm not a hoe either! Why would I even in the first place? Especially with _**my best friend?**_

But really? Bottom? I'm always bottom? Screw you and your logic. Even with these apparent 'author powers', there still is a sense of logic needed! You guys? You guys just say 'Oh hell, it's South Park! Fuck logic!'

Fuck this. Just no. If you're saying 'Fuck Logic', then so am I. So please, let me ride my purple narwhal through candy floss fields, dressed as a potato.

I do hope you understand that sarcasm, but hey, without logic, sarcasm could mean fried floorboards! I don't even know anymore…

**Have fun fucking logic Kyle. And save me a turn on the narwhal please! So anywho, that concludes another chapter. Reviewers will be loved by me for eternity. **

**Also, if you have a topic you want Kyle to rant about, go ahead and let me know!**

**Cookie.**


	6. That Short Kid

**Sorry people! I've been trying to write this for ages, but I've been so damn busy .  
However, I just had to give this to you guys, as I'll be away at my friend's house this weekend, for a choccy-marshmellow anime marathon!**

**Anywho guys, I just wanna give you something, since reviews have made me stop feeling so…invisible…Yeah, school sucks. One week and I'm sick already of hearing them talk about Justin Bieber =.=**

Ahem, so anyways, another thing – Why the fuck am I always the shortest? I'm not trying to be insecure or anything, but really? The fucking midget kid?

Stan always the tallest and Kenny's just meh, ok, and even Fatass is taller than me. So technically, that tub of lard must be a giant, since he's still tall with all that fat and whale blubber weighing him down. A whale. That's an almost perfect description. Only thing is, whales are somewhat…peaceful. Fatass is like a land-walrus, wreaking havoc wherever he tows his blubbery behind.

But enough of that dick.

Is this some stereotype? That I'm always shortest? Let me guess, it's to add to the whole 'Kyle is a cute girly guy who is gay for his friends' thing, am I right?

I know I'm right. Because with blubber-butt's predictable, yet stupid plans, I have earned a sense for knowing when I am right. Except that one time with the goddamn leprechaun…

But if you haven't noticed, we're all the same height. So why is it, that all the other get some huge-ass growth spurt, while I'm the little one?

Goddamn puberty…

Couldn't you at least mix it up a bit? I mean, Fatass really should be the midget here! All those rolls of fat…weighing you down…I mean, it's a miracle I pulled him up with the whole Manbearpig incident. Why did I save him anyway? Screw that, _how _did I save him? Rescuing a baby elephant would have been easier.

Fuck this shit. I'm tired.

I wonder if I poked him with a stick…Would the fat ripple? Ew…I don't even…Why am I thinking about this bullcrap?

Confound you fans! You drive me to insanity!

But yeah…I'm going to go now…

**Ok then, you do that.**

**Well guys, I hope you like this one! It's not great, but I've tried my best to make time to write it. I'll be back as soon as I can, but not before the weekend-long PewdiePie and Anime Marathon! 3**

**Cookie**


	7. That Kid Who is Really a Teen

**Another chappie, because I love you guys so much! As you can see, I have updated the cover image of this story, to a doodle I drew myself. ISN'T IT ARTISTIC GENIUS?**

**Anywho, Imma let Kyle rant about his shit now, while I rant about people thinking I'm weird because I eat bricks of cheese, while they are eating cheesestrings.**

Okay…Bricks of cheese… I think this girl has something somewhat wrong with her. I'm not surprised if she does.

Other than that, one thing I've realised is that in fanfics, we've grown up into teens, in high school, doing shit like that. That, and the random bullcrap that happens all the time seems to die down a bit.

I mean, we're only kids! Well, not really young kids or anything, but we're not teenagers yet! So why is it, that we always seem to be older? I mean, 16 to 18 years old, being the average.

What happened in-between? Why did time suddenly jump forward a few years? What's up with that void? The only explanation I can give is that Fatass did some shit, and we've jumped forward in time suddenly, without really giving a rat's ass, and just carrying on with our crappy lives.

I mean, face it. If shit goes down, it's not because there are birds in the air. No, it's because Cartman is a dick, who always seems to find a way of fucking everything up.

But really, this is what I mean when I say fics aren't being realistic. How many damn fics are there of us being the age we are? Not fucking enough. I mean, yes, I'm older now than what happened a few years ago and whatnot, but still, what about those old days?

And high school! South Park High School? Very original name there. The best fucking part, is that Garrison seems to magically become our teacher – Again!

What a motherfucking coincidence!

It's bad enough we've had him/her for what, three years now? Hell, more than that even. But hey, since you couldn't be bothered to make an OC, since they can usually be pretty damn annoying, let's just throw in our old jackass teacher! That sounds like a barrel full of fucking fun!

And do you want to know another great thing about this 'South Park High'? Stan's always the lead jock, and dates Wendy (Or me…which is awkward as fuck…), Kenny's the whore who's fucked every girl (and guy…) in the whole damn building, and Cartman? He's just a dick as usual.

And then there's me, the nerdy kid. Or should I say teen, since that is what we have somewhat become. I've already talked about that shit though, but come on! With Garrison teaching us shit all, you have to expect someone to do something!

I'm not going back to this…I'm just...meh…

I truly can't wait to be a teen, because if I'm so lucky, and my life ends up like your stories, it's going to be pretty damn clichéd.

Fuck this shit. I'm going to help this girl with the cheese rant now.

I mean, come on dammit! If you're eating a cheesestring, you're being a goddamn hypocrite! You're both eating cheese, but the cheesestring is more dick shaped, while the brick is good for whacking assholes you don't like.

Also, the brick has better fucking flavour! Real motherfucking cheddar!

Has my life amounted to this? Ranting about cheese?

Fuck.

**I fucking agree with you Kyle! That brick has way better flavour!**

**Cookie**


	8. That Kid Who's Mom is a Bitch

**Thank you, all the people who take a few seconds to review, and brighten my pathetic existence. Thank you also, people who have favourited, followed, and added me as a favourite author. I really appreciate that, but I would love it even more if you left a review. The review box makes it even easier to review than before, and even something like 'Nice story ^-^' makes a huge difference.**

**Rampismike, SuperSadist123, FluffyBunny2k11 and absababs – Thank you for favouriting and following! But if you can take the seconds to click the buttons, can't you take a few seconds to write a little review? I know, I rant too much =.=**

**Anywhos, I'm ranting more than Kyle is right now. I'll let him continue that then.**

So…another thing is, my mom.

Yes, I am being really honest here – She can be a bitch. And as much as I hate to admit that, as I prove fatass correct, it's the truth.

Firstly, you do not want to fuck with her. She started a war on Canada over a goddamn movie. It wasn't even that bad. You want a film that is bad? Then watch 'A Serbian Film'.

I'm not kidding. That movie is real fucked up shit. There is a reason that movie has been banned in pretty much every country there is. Why? Well, there's an ex pornstar, who fucks kids, babies, dead people, and even his own son. His own, little son.

I told you that was some fucked up shit.

But back to the point. Mom started a war over a film that gave us some 'creative' ideas for swears. Like penguin shit, or something like that. But hey, encouraging creativity isn't all a bad thing, right?

If Mom ever found out about A Serbian Film…The makers would be in some deep cow turd.

So yeah, she is pretty strict, and she can be a total bitch, and she can really take the piss somedays, but well, she's my mom. She was the one who went through the unbearable pain of pregnancy to bring me here.

That's why I'm quite happy that there is some sort of logic, and that M-Preg isn't possible. I mean, that would really fucking hurt! If it's bad for a girl, and that's natural, imagine the pain a guy would be in!

Think about being kicked in the balls several times. Or for girls, in the boobs. C'mon, that would fucking hurt. Don't ask how I know that. Let's just say Kenny knows quite a lot about that kind of thing…

Again, I'm going off topic. I guess I can't help it. I mean, it's natural to go completely off topic during a rant.

So back to what I was ranting about – Mom. A lot of people say I'm a lot like her. Same hair (As much as I _truly_ adore it) same 'fiery personality' and way of going to extreme lengths to prove a point. Although I don't think debating about things on the internet is really an 'extreme length'. Is it?

But yeah, off topic again. That's becoming a bit of a habit now. Guess I can't help it.

Sometimes, I wished I had a different mom, like Stan's. I mean, at least she's level headed, and calm. She's pretty nice too. Not that I am into Stan's mom. That fic fucking scarred me worse than seeing mom and dad in bed…Oh fuck…**The mental images!**

What is this fuckery?!

**GOD-MOTHER-FUCKING-DAMMIT! **Nonononononononono! Not this again! Oh fuck, just no! It was just so- I mean, I know that's how I was bo- No!

Please excuse me while I attack the keyboard in frustration.

U7fgchu9cefrcrgmopno9r gmtg,ko3vmp9tji34noicxm,2[]3o0ri9340vnymp39x4hmg8o34vb liwerhjxcgmiowdefnecronomico n

Sorry about that. I just had to get that out.

Okay. Yep. I'm done with this. I'm going for a walk. Maybe to Starks Pond or something. I just need to calm down. Yeah…that sounds good. If not, then I am blaming tonight's nightmares on you guys.

**Sweet dreams Kylie-boo!**

**Anyways guys, please review! I hope to reach 40 reviews by next chappie, but that seems a little extreme.**

**Even if you don't have an account, please review! Guests get a special shoutout, so why would you not want to review! Heh, anyways, cake and llamas with ice-cream cones on their foreheads for every reviewer!**

**Cookie**


	9. That Kid With The Adopted Brother

**I can't freaking believe it. I actually got over 40 reviews?! What is this amazing fuckery?! CAKE FOR EVERYONE! 11 reviews – In one chapter! I FUCKING LOVE YOU GUYS!**

**And to ChocolateMask, thank you for reviewing! They all mean so much! 3**

**And guess what! We were learning about Mental Health, and I have every symptom and quite a lot of mental illnesses! YAYYYYY! ISN'T THAT FREAKING GREAT? I love how everyone in class stared at me during the entire thing. THEY KNOW.**

The Author has kindly proven one of my points. Many Fangirls and guys are mentally ill.

But after a while, I have thankfully gotten those…certain mental images out of my head. Don't fucking dare bring them up again! Don't make me go through that!

Back to the topic. Ike.

I mean, I know he's adopted and all that, but we do have some kind of brotherly connection. I do love him and all, even though we're not related whatsoever.

I guess I'm a good enough big bro, right? I mean, I did save him from the war against Canada, and stop him committing suicide with his paedophilic teacher. Saying that out loud made it sound a hell of a lot…weirder…

He can be a little annoying sometimes, but who doesn't have a sibling they want to strangle with their own intestines once in a while?

Kick the baby, looking back, may have been a little cruel, but hey, he liked it! His brain is still functioning! The windows were fixed! I mean, childhood memories! I'm sure he'll look back someday and think, 'Hey! I remember when my big brother used to kick me as a baby!' and laugh heartily.

That, or he'll have a grudge against me for quite a long time.

Don't judge me! When someone is bugging you, it's natural to kick them, right?

One thing I see a lot in fanfics though, is Ike being some creepy little emo kid. Creepier is that he's dating that little goth. Kindergoth, is that what they call him? DON'T FUCKING ASK WHY I WAS READING THAT. I was just being…protective….uh-huh.

But seriously, that kid is creepy as fuck. Creepy has a new name, and it's a little kid called Georgie.

At least I can somewhat 'understand' this one. I mean, I barely know any kids Ike's age. But yeah…also, when Ike is dating creepy-kid, he turns into a total dick. I mean, a complete asshat who smokes and…shit like that.

But then, you got the 'normal' ones, where Ike's just a stressed kid, trying to cope with the pressure Mom's putting on him. Because he's apparently the kid who's a genius, way smarter than me, and gets all the love.

I'm not kidding. Ike gets all the love and attention from Mom and Dad! What about their child who is actually theirs? Don't they fucking love me anymore?

I'm going to go downstairs and bake some cookies. That'll earn me some love. I need love too! And not from Stan in a rather gay way, if that's what you guys think I'm implying. Or any other guy for that matter.

Heh, how will Ike like it when I get all the fucking love now!

Oh God...I'm becoming a psychopath now, aren't I?

**Yes Kyle, join the gang!**

**For reviewers, I will sneak into Kyle's kitchen, and give you cookies!**

I heard that, dumb bitch.

**Hehehehe….Fuck.**


	10. That Kid Who Rants About Rape and Stuff

**HOLY MOTHER OF ALL KETTLES! My profile got over 1000 views in **_**one day**_**?! This story gets hundreds of views daily?! Seriously, those are some stats.**

**To every single person who even so much as looked at this story, THANK YOU!**

**Now, a few things –**

**Southparkcosplay on YouTube make Kyle's Rants videos! Of course, they were made a while before I continued this story, but still! You should check them out, since they're pretty awesome.**

**Guest – Good point, but nearly every fic I've seen has Kylie-boo as the shortest. I don't know, but Kyle finds it somewhat 'rantable'**

**Of course Doomie can has a cookie! 3**

**I hasn't done a disclaimer yet! Oh noes!**

**So, South Park is not mine. Neither are Kyle's opinions, because if they were, I'd be one hell of a hypocrite.**

Ok…well, I was going through my mail, and I got the weirdest shit to rant about – Why I wouldn't be raped by Cartman or Kenny.

Creative…but, well, creepy.

Well, why would I not be raped by Cartman or Kenny? That could probably be answered quite easily. I'll start with Kenny, since, well, Kenny's part would probably be smothered under Fatass.

Kenny, Kenny, Kenny…dirty, perverted, and would rape anything that breathes. That's no exaggeration. I'm not fucking kidding. He was once dared to fuck a snail. He fucked a snail. I even saw him **fuck a snail.**

He's definitely fucked pretty much every whore at school. I had the privilege of hearing his tales of what he did. In perfect detail. If he doesn't become an erotica novelist, pornstar, or head of pornography site/magazine, I will be pretty fucking surprised.

I guess the reason Kenny wouldn't rape me is because my mom would flip out if she found out I had STD's from it, and that it would create a wall of awkwardness between the two of us for, well, forever.

Then again, I'm not saying he wouldn't because, well, he can get pretty fucking pissed most of the times. He even fucked his own cat once when he was drunk. It's no wonder that poor traumatised cat ran out in front of a car.

I wouldn't be surprised if Kenny even had buttsecks with some guy when he was hammered. I mean, what shit doesn't go down when Kenny gets drunk?

Then there's Fatass.

The reason that tub of lard wouldn't rape me is because I would rather be tortured slowly and painfully by a psychopathic killer before seeing that baby whale naked.

I swear, I would even full on make-out with Stan before letting than ass-hat anywhere near me. Don't get any ideas from that. Honestly, I would kiss my best friend or kill myself before being raped by Cartman.

Face it. If I was, then I would be admitted to a mental hospital for horrific nightmares and heavy trauma.

Most importantly, Cartman is a racist, homophobic, small-minded, sexist dickwad. Even if he did claim to be going out with me once, he's still a complete homophobic blubberoon. Yes, blubberoon. Because that word was made especially for him.

Besides that, if Cartman gets anymore twisted than he already is, and decides to 'restart Hitler's work', starting with me, he would go to much more painful and creatively twisted methods than rape.

If he did, he'd probably rape me up the ass with a cactus. Because he's more twisted than a Twizzler.

So I guess that sums it all up, yeah? Ok...that's good.

**Review guys! I have a little competition idea, if you're interested!**

**60****th**** Reviewer will get to choose the topic! However, it can't be on a certain pairing or a certain person, as they come in a whole different part of the rantology. Yep, another new word, and a spoiler alert.**

**Love all of you amazing guys!**

**Cookie**


	11. That Kid Who Hates Bananas

**Sorry for the long wait! Shit's being going down, as usual, and I wanted to make a new chappie before the 9****th**** October. Why that particular date? My birthday! ^-^**

**But yes, I'm home alone this weekend (FUCK YEAH!) and next weekend shall be filled with cake and laser tag, so I wanted to give you guys this before I disappear for the next...er, while or so.**

**That, and the fact that I'm addicted to Hetalia. ADDICTED, I SAY!**

Uh, well happy birthday then, crazy author-that-stares-at-me-while-I-say-each-word.

I'm going to say one word. One word that disgusts me to the very core. That one word, that brings horrific memories of piss floods. That one word, that should be sent to the depths of Hell. I'll make Damien drag that goddamned thing down there.

Bananas.

Pure. Fucking. Evil.

I mean, look at that shape! IT'S NOT MOTHERFUCKING NATURAL! And it's bright yellow! Sometimes even green! And it peels open! Not like an orange, where you have to dig the skin off without squirting yourself in the eye.

That shit is just…IT'S ALIEN FRUIT! I've seen enough goddamn aliens to know they exist, and they brought those fucking 'fruits' here to torture us!

They're yellow, shaped like a crescent, peel, and have a weird-ass texture. IT'S NOT NORMAL. That bullcrap is not fucking normal!

ALIEN FRUIT! I fucking mean it this time!

I'm being a hypocrite now, since I did mock you guys for fucking logic with male pregnancy, but bananas! They're the real fuckers of logic!

And that taste! How does anyone find that mush delectable? It's like baby-food – Squishy and mushy. Ugh, right? I mean, I was once dared to try Ike's baby-food when I was younger, and let me tell you, there is a reason they give that crap to babies. They can't scream "I DON'T WANT THIS BULLSHIT!"

It's probably the factory left overs, blended, stuck in a pot, and sold. That stuff is nasty. Real nasty, but not as nasty as those goddamn bananas.

AND THOSE BASTARDS ARE FULL OF POTASSIUM! If you know your science and periodic table, you should know that shit explodes it water! Well, the metal does anyway. The salt version is in those bastardic bananas, but still! They're twisted and evil, like yellow suicide bombers!

_**I HAVE DONE IT! HELL YES!**_

W-what the fuck was that? No, who the fuck was that? I'd blame those goddamn bananas, but Cartman usually is the reason for bullshit.

_**No Kyle, I'm kylekennypiptweek, and I have found a way of breaking the fourth wall!**_

Interesting name…Your parents must've been rather indecisive, giving you four names stuck together.

Please leave me alone for now. I'm a little busy, you know, discussing those motherfucking bananas and whatnot.

_**Only if I get a hug. NOW WHERE'S MAH HUG?!**_

I'll just finish off here. I apparently have a fangirl in my house, and Mom's using the mop.

Fuck…

Wait, you just fucked logic again, didn't you? Fuck this. I've got some serious issues to deal with here, so bye for now.

**Because kylekennypiptweek was gonna kill meh if I didn't teach her the secrets of fourth wall breaking. And if I was dead, I wouldn't come back like Kenny (Well, I don't know for sure yet), and I couldn't update. Then everyone be so sad.**

**And my mini competition is still up! 60****th**** reviewer gets to pick topic! No pairings though guys, as they are official, and your win would be a bit pointless.**

**CAKE FOR REVIEWERS! ^-^**


	12. That Jewish Kid

**You guys can flog me. I haven't updated in about two weeks.**

**My explanation – Depression kicked me hard. Really fucking hard. Schoolwork is stressing, and I am trapped in a world of people I despise. But with Halloween coming, I'm back on my feet again. For now. That, and the fact I am addicted to Yugi-Oh and Hetalia.**

**Congrats, mollanise! 60****th**** reviewer! So, here's the rant you requested!**

**Anywho, Kylie boo, begin the ranting!**

There's a reason I haven't been around lately. I don't really know how much more I can really take. I mean, I cracked at that fucking banana shit. I am losing my sanity. Then again, surprising I had any, from what you would call an 'average' day here in South Park.

Huh, I mention that a lot, don't I? I guess I can't really help it. It's one of those weird habits, like Stan's nose-brisge pinch when he's frustrated. I could try doing that right now, because I'm pretty fucking pissed.

I really don't know how many more jew jokes I can take. Or, as Fatass calls them, 'jewkes'. Pretty lame pun, huh? Not as pathetic as the jokes though.

Yesterday, he put pasta on my head, saying I looked like a rabbi, or something like that. I came back with 'Huh, Fatass sharing food. That's a new one', followed by 'Why do you even know that, assface?'

His reply was 'It's best to understand the ways of your enemy before you strike'

He seriously thinks he's going to restart the Holocaust. I'm starting to think the flab is now beginning to envelop and suffocate his brain cells.

Anywho – I'm Jewish. Who gives a flying fuck? Well, maybe only me. Christmas sucks ass if you're the only Jewish kid. It's like you're completely ignored for the season, while you're right there. I'll rant about that another day, incase I go off topic again. Another habit.

Why is it, that in most stories, I'm referred to as 'the Jew'.

Really? You're fucking serious? 'The Jew?'. It sucks ass enough to be singled out a Christmas and Easter, but now, all year long?

Why aren't any of the others referred to as 'The Catholic'? I know it would be hard to single a person out, as nearly everyone is Catholic, but it was a rhetorical question! Jesus Christ!

So far, I'm the short, gay, Jewish cross-dressing, red-headed teenage emo-nerd. What a motherfucking title.

Yeah, why the fuck not! I'll just go to a job interview, and when he asks for qualifcations, guess what I'll say?

'Well sir, I have a s,g,Jw,Cd,Rh,Tn,e and a Nd'

Urghh….I really need to get some fucking sleep. I would, but Fatass has been outside for the past ten minutes, throwing David's stars at the window.

He took the time to make them all, only to pathetically throw them at my window, for them to lie in a heap until I have to clean them up.

Doop-de-fucking-woo.

May as well throw a rock at him. His fat will protect him anyway, so it's not an attack, right?

Yeah…

**Go do that Kylie-boo. Go do that.**

**Anyways, to make it up, I expect to have a lot of new chapters up before 5****th**** November. Well, at least three.**

**I have a new poll up! Check it out if you have nothing better to do with your life, like me.**


	13. That Kid Who Rants About Halloween

**Happy Halloween! Another late chappie….I know =,=**

**Was meant to be uploaded yesterday, but due to technical difficulties, that wasn't possible.**

**Now, Imma eat some chocolate pudding ^-^**

Halloween. Another victim of over commercialism. It's lost all general meaning, in my point of view. I mean, it's practically become some sort of Hallmark Holiday.

I think it's time for a history lesson. Halloween, or All Hallow's Eve, is the day when the spirits of the dead supposedly are unleashed. People left food out to please the spirits and demons, and wore masks to blend in with the demons. They had sacrificial bonfires (or bone-fires, as they were called. Work it out)

In general, it was pretty easy to fool people back then. I mean, they didn't really have any grasps of science or how the world works. It probably would have been shockingly easy to make them believe that M-Preg was possible. Yes, I'm still referencing this one, and it won't be the last time I will either.

Halloween now, is really just an excuse to scare people with old myths and burn things. Trick or treating is pretty fun though. I guess I have myths to thank for my free candy, huh?

Then there's costumes. Costumes used to be really original. And homemade. Now, all you seem to see is shop bought costumes. I remember that one time I bought a Chewbacca mask. I thought it was fucking awesome…until nearly everyone showed up with it. Yeah, I learnt my lesson from that one.

They aren't even scary anymore either! I mean, witches used to be pretty fucking creepy. Just watch 'The Witches'. God, that shit is disturbing. Not nearly as disturbing as other things I've witnessed though…

Anyways, shoving those thoughts away, yet again. Witch costumes nowadays are just brightly coloured dresses and stripey tights. It makes girls look pretty, not scary. Pretty! Because I clearly like girls, not my best friends!

And the motherfucking ghost. If you are doing a white-sheet ghost, please, just go to the Corner of ShameTM. Go there, sit down, and seriously think about how unoriginal your costume is.

The t-shirt saying 'Halloween Costume' doesn't count either. If this is your choice of costume, please join the ghost in the Corner of ShameTM.

Then there's fireworks. If you think you're so fucking badass for walking around with some illegal fireworks, go to the Corner of ShameTM. If not, enjoy your mutilated hand.

I can't forget about pumpkins either! First of all, they really stink. I really don't like the smell of pumpkin guts. Secondly, they are also a source of common Halloween unoriginality. I'll admit, those bastards can sometimes be difficult to carve, so that's maybe a decent reason for a jagged mouth and triangle eyes, but maybe be a bit more original? I mean, the poor excuse of an author did a Jack Skellington one.

I only know this because she was bitching on about how fucking amazing her 'precious pumpykins' looked.

I think I'll go kick some leaves or something…The author looks pissed since I have offended her 'precious pumpykins'.

**Kyle shall take a visit to my trademarked Corner of Shame****TM ****if he disses my awesome pumpykins. Don't worry Kylie-boo, I love you too much to put you through that!**

**Cookie.**


	14. That Kid Who Rants About YouTube

**Is this actually possible? A fast update?!**

**I really need to do something with my life…I've been in bed, in the same pj's, reading fanfics for two days straight now, minus a few hours of sleep and food.**

**But yeah…I really need a life. **

**Oh, and to reviewerD, I can really relate to how you're feeling. I'm really sorry to hear about your cousin.**

Okay, for once, this isn't a rant about the fucked up fandom I call my life, or shit like that. This is fucking serious. An issue that **has** to be dealt with. Something that needs to raise awareness. Right. Fucking. Now.

I've ranted about shit before, but this shit hits the fan. This is one of the worst internet catastrophes since Facebook Timeline (Or just Facebook in general, after I got a bit too obsessed…)

I'm talking about the new YouTube layout.

I fucking hate it! The bastard just crept up on me! It started with weird black boxes appearing beside comments. Then, bam! They turned into profile pictures!

And then, the whole fucking site fucks up! I mean, you actually have to _scroll across _to see the rest of the screen, or the recommended videos! And then the random piece of white, that causes you to scroll across! It's as pointless as the lids on Mc Flurry's! They are pretty pointless, you have to agree with me on that one.

The title of the video is _underneath _the fucking video! Underneath! Why?! And the subscribe button! People who actually spent time making one, have just had it ripped away by this uncle-fucking excuse for a website layout!

The description is all messed up! It's confusing as fuck! And don't get me started on the comments! Fuck it, I'm ranting about them anyway.

You can barely tell the top comments apart from the normal ones! There's no more faint line to separate them! It all mixes together, in a really fucked up way!

My inbox! I click on it, and the bottom of the screen decides to hump the text above it! Never mind that! I mean, it took me a while to even find my fucking inbox! How can I tell from some shitty cog? How the hell am I meant to know?!

And then, when I want to see more videos from the maker, I can't even get that little box with all their videos! I have to go to their fucking page! I'd rather just have my box, so I can look at the videos, while still on the page with the actual damn video!

And the dislikes bar is grey! MOTHER-FUCKING GREY.

I swear, I'm going to spam the fuck out of YouTube, until they change it back. Don't say I can't. I've done just enough shit in my life, so ranting the fuck out of YouTube should be easy. I'm good at ranting, right?

As much as I know I'll regret this, I'm going to need Fatass's help with this shit. Unless however, this crap excuse of a new layout is his doing. If it is, that bastard's going to get a kick in the balls.

**Because the new YouTube layout sucks balls. I'm cereal.**

**Cookie**


	15. That Kid Who Read a Fanfic With Stan

**I know...It's been a while, huh? Since the last update, YouTube's layout has pissed me off even more, and I got pissed in class and ended up punching the keyboard.**

**Anywhos, this is one specially requested by slasher13! Don't worry guys! If you've requested it, it **will** be written before I stamp this with the 'Complete'. That, however, is a while away.**

I guess I've had a bit of time on my hands recently. So, what did I do? I read some…'fanfiction'. I mean, you'd be tempted to read a story about you, right? Especially if it involved you making out with your best friend…and…yeah…

Not that I wanted to really know it. It was on my conscience, and it was really getting to me! Ugh..I don't even think I can look at him the same way. Or anyone else for that matter. This barrier of awkwardness has really reached a chokable level. Yes, chokable. Sue me.

I…just…uh…why?!

I need to fucking rant here. Before it takes over and shit goes down. Eh, shit's gonna go down anyway, but still. I have to get this off my mind. It's as much a necessity as breathing at this point.

So, you want to hear the story? Well, sit down and get fucking comfy. Don't forget your plushies.

Once upon a time, in a freaking _amazing _kingdom called South Park, there was a kid. And a bunch of other kids. And some adults. And old guys. And cross-gender teachers. You get the idea.

Anywho, one kid, or more of a baby elephant, was a complete dick. The other was a pervert, as well as a favoured target for Pedobear. The other was a kid with an abusive bitch of a sister, and a wacko for a dad. The last was a Jewish kid. The only motherfucking Jewish kid, as a matter of fact.

Moving on. So, the Jewish kid was on his laptop, reading Fanfiction because his curiosity had grown to levels to which it could not be contained.

In the middle of this, the third kid came along. However, the Jewish kid was too busy having an argument inside his head about how the third kid and himself wouldn't take part in any of the activities mentioned in the text before him, to take any notice.

So, the third kid snuck up on the Jewish kid, and started to read the same text. When kid #4 realised, he freaked out, slammed the laptop closed, and threw it out the window. However, he was too late, and kid #3 was gawping at him with an expression that clearly stated 'What. The. Fuck'

And they lived happily fucking after, in their marshmallow palace.

That has been my dream for the past few nights. If I fall asleep tonight and relive those events, I will go batshit. _Again._

Would you like to hear about the first time I went batshit? Grab your plushies again and get comfy.

It was after my discovery of the new YouTube layout. Cartman saying he'd found something 'totalleh kewl' that he would use against me didn't help much either.

Being pissed, I decided to walk about outside. Nothing calms a fiery temper like freezing cold snow, right?

Anyways, I decided to go to Stan's place. I usually end up there after one of my 'rage walks'. He wasn't surprised to see me. I guess it's normal now, since we're super best friends and all that.

So, I told him everything. From the shitty layout, to Fatass's 'totalleh kewl weapon that will destroy Kahl'. It's really great to have a friend like that who just listens to you like that.

After I went into detail on the layout, he decided to check it out, so he could see for himself. However, when we did so, we found that Stan had some new emails….

…From Fatass….

So, obviously, he clicked the links, and we came to a website with the logo 'Unleash your imagination' at the top.

I remember that because Stan said, _"If Cartman unleashed his imagination like last time, man, we'd be fucked…Or more like you really-OW!"_

That's the part when I slapped him for being insensitive about the whole 'Imaginationland' shit. I nearly fucking died. And Cartman made a version of me suck his balls. The latter was worse.

Continuing the story. He scrolled down the page to where there was a box. It read _'Style Fluff and Lemon! Heheheh X3 YAOI!'_

"Okay, what the fuck is this?" Stan asked, giving his trademark nose-bridge pinch. I know him well enough to know it's his trademarked thing, okay?

We began to read. I've typed it out below, so you can read it. Enjoy, because I know you will…

_The red head looked deeply into the blue eyes of the boy beside him._

"_Stan..I..I…" He tried to make out the words, but the butterflies in his stomach stopped him from doing so._

"_What's wrong Ky?" The noirette gazed back into the green eyes of the red head, filled with concern._

"_I…I…I LOVE YOU!" The boy spat out, cupping his hands and hiding his face in shame._

_Stan gasped in surprise. Kyle…loved him? He carefully raised the Jew's head to look at him, forcing Kyle to create eye-contact with him. He expected Stan to tell him he hated him, but was surprised when he found a pair of lips moulded carefully over his own._

_Lust took over, and he kissed back with passion, ecstasy flowing through him. They gripped each other tightly, before Kyle broke away, panting._

_At first, Stan was worried. It melted when Kyle whispered "Do me Stan…"_

He quickly exited after that, his face bright red. I had a feeling my face matched my hair. We slowly turned to face each other. Stan's pupils were dilated, and full of an emotion I couldn't exactly read.

Then a slight trickle of blood dripped from his nose, before he threw up. And that's where the chokable wall of awkwardness comes in, because I don't know if he was disgusted or….turned on…..

There's just one thing I can't get. How the fuck did Fatass find that and _why_ was he reading it?

**Hurrrhurrrhurrrrr…**


	16. That Kid Has Some Explaining To Do

**Wow. Two weeks. I suck at updates. And 95 reviews?! Free Walama's for all! **

**So, this rant will be a little different. Why so? Because Kylie Boo and I are teaming up to show you how the rants come from Kyle's frustrated mind to this website!**

_**~Kyle has entered the chatroom  
~Cookie has entered the chatroom**_

**Cookie:** By using a password protected chatroom!

**Kyle:** Yes, a password protected chatroom that I have rights to. I can kick you out if you end up being an annoying self-insert

**Cookie:** Still love you Kylie Boo. Anywho, back to the process! You should probably explain that part.

**Kyle:** So, it's very simple. Cookie, as her alias goes, informs me of the reviews and themes, and I just rant via chatroom. She then takes a screenshot and edits my words into Microsoft Word, cutting out any words she said. Because if she kept them in, she'd become an annoying self-insert.

**Cookie:** Yep, that's true. I'm more like the guy in the background, who does all the work in secret. Like a ninja! Or a camera-guy! I'd like to be a camera guy…Or a manga artist…

**Kyle:** Like I said, annoying self-insert.

**Cookie: **Kylie boo, I edit myself out, sheesh. I only add in notes to the reviewers. I am merely a shadow. Sort of. Being an annoying self-insert is not on my to-do list. However, watching Kuroshitsuji is.

**Kyle:** Can we just get the rant over with? What's the theme?

**Cookie: **Right, well, the explanation of the process was all I had planned for this one. I mean, a Christmas one would be nice, but that has to wait for a while.

**Kyle: **We just explained it. How the fuck am I meant to drag out the process so that it is actually decently long?

**Cookie: **Well Kyle, maybe a bit of foreplay could drag out your smex time…with Stan

**Kyle: **You fucking bitch

_**~Cookie has left the chatroom**_

**Kyle: **I warned her. Well, I guess it's up to me to continue this then, huh?  
I forgot I was just talking to myself. Fuck.  
Well…uhm….here's a smiley c:  
Fangirls...and boys like smilies, right?

_**~Princess-of-Your-Doom95 has entered the chatroom  
~kylekennypiptweek has entered the chatroom**_

**Kyle: **You have got to be fucking kidding me.

_**~mollanaise has entered the chatroom  
~FluffyBunny2K11 has entered the chatroom**_

**Kyle: **You have _seriously _got to be fucking with me. There is no fucking way you guessed the password.

_**~Creek Grrl has entered the chatroom  
~jewsjustcantdance has entered the chatroom**_

**jewsjustcantdance: **KYLE! YOU ARE MINE!

**Kyle: **First of all, why would a fangirl go into a chatroom called '_EW, LYK YAOI SUCKS!11! LOL'_  
Secondly, how the fuck did you guess the password?!

_**~Cookie has entered the chatroom**_

**Cookie: **See Kylie boo? You need me to protect you from your loving Fangirls. Besides, I guessed your password and let myself back in. By the way, _StyleismyOTP, _isn't too hard to work out.  
Either you suck at lying, or you're just using reverse psychology.

**Kyle: **Screw this.I'm changing the password. Email me when you want the next rant.

_**~Kyle has left the chatroom**_

**Cookie: **Okay then…Well, I guess I'll watch my Kuroshitsuji now.

If you guys see this, then I obviously haven't edited. Don't worry, I'll stop being lazy and edit myself out for the next rant. Wouldn't want to be a self-insert, would I?

_**~Cookie has left the chatroom**_


	17. That Kid Who Hates Chavs

**You guys are friggin' amazing. 100 reviews?! More than half the good stories I've read haven't got that much!**

**Sorry for slow updates, but depression, yadda yadda, and YouTube have changed the layout back to the new crappy one. It sucks =.=**

**On the bright side, my two best friends are becoming yaoi fans. REAL LIFE FRIENDS! ^-^  
Ahem..anyways**

Well, after last time, Stan's been really awkward around me. He said he threw up because he ate some bad food, and the nosebleed came from the shock of throwing up, but…

…I'm not really buying it.

He's not just my best friend, he's my super best friend. I know the name is cheesy, but I guess it's just a best friend thing, right? Like the girls' BFF thing. Or Biffle? I really don't understand girl talk. It's like a completely different language, like Chav.

I mean, chav. Really. Here's how a typical chav conversation goes-

"Hey yeah!"

"There you are, ye whore!"

"Shut your trap bitch, just swaggin"

"Swag?"

"Swag!"

"Like, LOL!"

"Right baii's! Swaggles!"

"ROFFLES! Them be well jell"

"Fuckin knobheads tellin' me I got too much fake tan.."

"I'll shank 'em bastards!"

I mean…wow….What the fuck does that shit even mean? And insulting each other…is friendly? I mean, holy crap, they're like that British kid, Pip, and Damien had a baby, and then abused it and left it in a box.

In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Pip and Damien was a popular shipping. Oh fuck, it is, isn't it? Isn't that a little creepy? I mean, Pip's dead. You're shipping a dead kid with the son of the Devil. Perfectly normal. Yeah.

Is there even a point to this rant? I mean, what was I even saying? I lost track…

Oh right! Chavs. Man, I hate chavs. They wear the most awful brands, hideous shoes, and talk like…fuck, I don't even know.

Apparently, the term chav means 'Council housed and violent'.. Why am I not surprised? I mean, one of the bastards actually threatened to hit my window with a brick for being Jewish.

Of course, Fatass started yelling at him, saying that making my life a living hell was his job, and his alone. Then he was beaten up.

I don't really know what happened next, because actually got bored of someone beating the crap out the fat fuck, and walked off.

Heh, even if those chav's try, I have a fucking rock box, and a crazy mom. They can throw all the bricks they want, because I've got the most terrifying mom in the history of crazy physco mom's.

I'm just waiting for those little shit bags right now. I can't wait to see the look on their faces when my mom bursts down the door. They'll shit bricks.

Bricks, you know, because they're trying to throw bricks? It's a pun, sheesh.

What even is chav? Is it like being emo or something? It's like some sort of British-gangster-whore thing.

There they are! Those uncle fuckers! Look at them, with their bricks. The look on their faces is going to be priceless!

Well, I can't miss this.

**So, chavs. I have no idea if there are any in America, but nearly the entire population of where I live are. Life is pretty sucky when you're surrounded by chavs.**

**Also, on a somewhat related note, the next update may be a while. There are riots around town, with bombs and shit.**

**And guess who's throwing those fucking bombs. Those goddamn chavs.**

**THOSE FUCKERS ARE THE REASON I CAN'T GO TO THE MANGA STORE!**

**Cookie**


	18. That Kid Who Rants About the Apocalypse

**Reviews, favourites, follows etc. have dropped significantly in recent chapters. Please, if there is something I am doing wrong, let me know! I'm guessing it's my god-awful Author's Notes, so this should be the last one.**

So, apparently, the World is going to end tomorrow. I don't believe that shit at all. How many times have people said the world was going to end before?

They said it would end in the year 1000. That was 1012 years ago, and we're still going.

Then, the Mormons come along and say that in 56 years, the world will end. Again, nothing happened. I'm not surprised.

1st January 2000. People thought _computers_ were going to take over the world. Fuck, I thought people here were stupid, but then again, everyone can be pretty stupid at times. Believing this bullcrap is pretty stupid though. I mean, it sounds like a goddamn movie.

6th June 2006? Just another matching date there. It was said it was going to end at exactly six minutes past six. In other words, 6:06 on the 6/6/06. A lot of sixes, right? Mainly because of 'the Demon's number', 666. If people actually took some time to research, they'd find that names in the first century where often spelt in numbers in certain languages. 666 relates to the number of Nero Caesar, a tyrannical Roman Emperor.

Enough of the history lesson. Still, if you're going to waste your life reading Fanfiction, you may as well learn some interesting facts. Another interesting fact is that a guy cannot get pregnant. I told you I wasn't letting this one go easily.

So, now it's 2012, and the world is fated to end on the 21st of December. Tomorrow. This apocalypse comes from the Ancient Mayan prediction. Now, are you really going to believe a prediction from a bunch of guys who sacrifice a thousand llamas for a wedding?

This apocalypse is without a doubt, the most famous of all. There are crappy songs written about it, and even a movie.

However, there is no specific catastrophe that causes this mass destruction. People have come up with some pretty strange theories, like a black hole swallowing Earth, or a gamma-ray explosion. If you don't know what a gamma-ray explosion is, think of something like the Sun exploding, and then some nuclear bombs, and some Francium for the hell of it.

Zombie apocalypse is even a theory.

Zombie apocalypse.

Yes, these people are deadly serious. They even have bunkers filled with food, and a shit ton of weapons. And when I say, ' these people', I include Stan's dad. He refuses to let Stan go to school tomorrow, and that he has to stay in the bunker.

Stan didn't even bother arguing, because a day off sounds pretty good to anyone.

I have a theory too. If Fatass fell over on a fault point in the Earth's crust, he could cause a shit ton of earthquakes, tsunamis and volcanic eruptions. We'd all be pretty fucked then.

Anywho, I've got some preparations to attend to. Since the whole town will probably go bat-shit crazy, I'm going to need some ear-plugs. There's a brand called 'Bullshit Blockers' which I think will do the job nicely. I also have to spam YouTube to change the fucking layout back.

If we're not eaten by zombies, burnt to a crisp, or exploded into tiny pieces, then I'll rant again later.

If not, it was fun while is lasted.


	19. That Lonely Jewish Kid on Christmas

Well, the world hasn't ended, and I'm not surprised. For any wondering, yes, the Bullshit Blockers worked amazingly, and I completely ignored the raging chaos and flaming houses of the insane people I call neighbours.

Guess what? It's my favourite fucking time of the year again. Christmas Eve. I honestly don't think you know just how sucky it is, being the only kid (Other than Ike) to not celebrate Christmas.

I know, I've went through this rant several times before and all that, but I really have fuck all to do. Stan, Kenny, and pretty much all the other kids went to go ice-skating at Starks. Stan did invite me, but I couldn't be fucking bothered with Fatass.

That fucktard keeps making goddamn remarks, saying shit like,

"_Oh now Kahl, can't hit meh, or you'll end up on Santa's naughty list! Oh wait…It doesn't even matter, coz Santa doesn't love you!"_

Or

"_Tell me Kahl, how does it feel, knowing you'll wake up tomorrow with no presents from Santa?"_

I swear, I will put laxatives in his turkey. Yes, his turkey, because that fat fuck eats the whole goddamn thing. For Starters.

He'll probably shit in his face, since his head is so far up his ass.

So…yeah…I'm really pretty bored. Christmas sucks ass if you're Jewish. Hanukkah was pretty fun, despite the fact that I got…

…More dreidels.

Thanks Mom, Dad. I _really love_ collecting these things. You guys know me _so_ well. Please note the sarcasm hinted by the italics.

In my state of boredom, I used my dreidel collection to make an Eiffel Tower. It was _très__bien._  
Yes, that was French. No, it's not because I'm in love with that French Mole kid.

Come on guys, I haven't seen him _in years_. Hell, I don't even know if he lives here anymore! Also, don't ask how I know this shit. Just don't.

Back to the Eiffel Tower. It didn't last long, since Fatass threw a heavy Christmas ornament through the window. Bastard.

So, like every other time, I got a rock from the rock box, and threw it absent-mindedly out the window. From the pathetic whimper and the _'Ouch Kahl, that really hurt!',_ I'm guessing it was a pretty good shot.

Another thing. You know Christmas Carols? Well, they're pretty much on all the radios, and holy fuck are they catchy. I was humming one. I'm not sure what it's called, but it had _'you cheap lousy faggot'_ and '_Happy Christmas my arse'_ in it, and that it's Irish. Irish people sure sound pleasant, huh?

Anyway, Mom caught me, and told me that I'm Jewish, and I should be proud, and to stop singing Christian songs, and whatnot. Not to mention she said it in fluent Hebrew.

I would rant more, but the only way I can post this is via 'Cookie', and she's busy baking Christmas Cookies.

And she's on a time limit, and the fact that the final episode of her favourite TV show is airing soon, and that she's an emotional wreck.

So, I guess my ranting is being cut short by a hormonal teenage girl. Whoop-de-doo.

I'll just sing my lonely Christmas song, and maybe rant more later. I'll give you all the details of how drunk Stan's dad gets, and how my laxative plan works out.

Have a Merry Christmas motherfuckers, because I won't be.

**For any wondering, the song is 'Fairytale of New York'. Have a Merry Fucking Christmas guys!**


	20. That Kid Rants About OC's

Thank fuck Christmas is over. Guess I won't have to worry about that for another year then. Still, I have to worry about Fatass for, well, as long as I live here. Yay.

One of the reviewers, as it was mentioned to me, said I should try throwing my dreidels at him. Tried that, and it worked like a charm. Guess I have something to thank you for.

I mean it. Hearing him scream,_ "AH! THE JEWISH-NESS! IT BURNS!" _was priceless.

Anyways, as I said before, an update on the festivities I wasn't included in.

Well, Stan's dad was drunk off his ass, along with Kenny's dad. From what I've heard, it's more disturbing than the time they bounced around on their balls. Those hamsters are going to need extreme therapy, hell, maybe even euthanasia to get over the trauma they were put through.

Fatass was fucking spoilt, as always, and came over with all his stuff. Mom's gonna kill me if she finds out I'm throwing all these dreidels at him.

Oh, and Kenny. He got…a porn magazine. Yeah, he seems pretty happy with it. Come to think of it, he hasn't come outside in days…

Back to the point of this rant. Goddamn OC's.

Sure, I guess it can be acceptable to have your own character, but holy fucking cheese toasters, nearly all of them have to be some of the worst characters I've even heard of.

Come on. A demon half-cat girl with flawless features and an extremely detailed wardrobe? Weird shit happens, but this is just going to extremes.

Or how about those insanely emo vampires have white skin, multi-coloured hair and a shit load of piercings? Edward Sparkly Cullen sounds better than that.

These chicks you're creating have personalities so dull, that listening to Craig talk about a rock sounds more interesting. I'm serious guys.

As a matter of fact, the more 'perfect' you try you make these guys, the less perfect they get. I mean, they just wake up, with flawless skin, and no traces of bed-head whatsoever. And then, they get dressed, with _great detail _of their outfit and make up.

They never seem to get spots, their nails are so perfect that they're probably fake, and their hair is dyed brown and blonde, in such a perfect way. Not to mention how they seem to be friends with everyone, and are usually dating everyone. Not to mention the fact that they're usually goodie-two-shoes.

These girls don't fucking exist.

Now that we've heard about the OC, let's hear about Cookie, who said it's her time to rant.

Cookie has brown and blonde hair. Is it amazing looking? Fuck no. It looks like a three year old tried to paint her head with dye. Her hair is never perfectly shaped either, no matter how hard she tries.

Flawless skin? Hell no. Cookie says fighting spots is like fighting a tiger with a pin.

Dating? Cookie is an anti-social nerd who locks herself in her room. No guys really give a shit about her, and she doesn't give a shit about relationships…other than her 'shipping'.

So, we've got the flawless, perfect OC, with a weird name like 'Alyssabella' or 'Ryou Bakura'. She looks perfect, is really skinny, dresses amazingly, has her dream boyfriend, and has everything she ever wanted. She has a bunch of friends, and sets trends.

There's also the emo OC. She usually tends to have a shit ton of accessories, have few friends, sit alone, listen to emo-ish music and have 'dark secrets', like being a vampire or some shit like that.

Then we have a 'normal' person like Cookie. She looks like crap, has bags under her eyes from lack of sleep, happens to be a little pudgy, and dresses mainly in pyjamas.

Here's the funny thing though. Despite Alyssabella's perfection, she has no real goals to achieve, and no story of actual interest, and happens to be as boring as a brick. She has no faults at all.

Cookie however, just so happens to be a real person with faults. She has goals, like posting chapters, and getting out of bed, and getting a shower. Cookie, being a real person, has anger issues, and just so happens to be described as a 'hate-filled person', who lives in a world full of 'fucking sluts'.

So, now that I've said all that shit, let's think.

Would you like to read a story about the perfect Alyssabella? The beautiful girl with a perfect family and perfect life, as well as her amazing boyfriend, and her fabulous wardrobe. Sounds enthralling.

Or would you rather read a story about Cookie? The girl who appears to be an anti-social hateful bitch, but tends to be clumsy, and too busy watching anime to give a fuck about anything, like appearance.

Fuck. I made Cookie sound like a bitchy OC as well, didn't I? This is why I don't bother with OC's.

Screw this shit. Let's just get to the point. This place is crawling with OC's. The whole 'OC moves to South Park and dates someone' has to be the most unoriginal and clichéd plot of all. I'm guessing a fifth of all the stories here have this plot. If you're going to use it, please, try and make it original, without the use of goddamn vampires. This isn't Twilight guys.

Please, if you're going to write a story with KylexOC, make the OC realistic, and at least somewhat decent. I think I'd rather date Stan than Alyssabella.

AND NOT IN THE WAY YOU'RE THINKING. I WAS JUST TRYING TO POINT OUT THE FACT THAT STAN HAS MORE CHARACTER.

Fuck this shit, I'm rambling on about crap now.

**A/N: Yes, I'm sorry. I said no more Authors' Notes, and yet, here it is.  
Anywho, Tokomo has asked to translate this fic into Ukrainian, and I agreed. It's really awesome to think people like this so much!**

**So, if you want to translate this, feel free to ask me! Or if you just want to talk, I'd love to!**

**Also, there was a secret reference in this. If you get it, let me know!**

**So yeah, Imma shut up now.**

**Cookie.**


	21. That Kid and the New Year and Replies

Happy New Year! It's now 2013, and whole New Year for a shit ton of new rants. To be honest, I thought my ranting would only last until Christmas-time, but I guess I'm still going, huh? Funny though. I thought it would last a maximum of twenty rants, yet here's the twenty-first.

The only things worth mentioning were the fireworks. They were pretty awesome, until the bang scared off Sparky. You know Sparky, right? Stan's dog?

Well, Stan and I went off to catch him, resulting in Fatass saying, and I quote;

"_Hey guys, the fags are going off to kiss under the fireworks! How romantic!"_

Good thing I had a spare dreidel in my pocket, hmm? I decided on some new year's resolutions as well, despite the fact that I'll probably forget all about them by February. I've decided to try to become more tolerant of Fatass, more than I already am.

Other than that, this rant did have another topic. Anyways, some girl called Procella has been reviewing. Her reviews are decently long, and directed to me, and I'd feel like an asshat if I didn't reply in some way.

So, I guess I better start then.

Number one. My hair. It's not fucking adorable. Please…just…stay where you are…please don't break the fourth wall. The last time that happened, I had to watch a version of me suck Fatass' balls. The last thing I want is for that goddamn wall to break again.

I don't think my hair is even long enough to be put into a ponytail, not to mention that I'd put up one hell of a fight before allowing someone to touch my hair.

And mangoes? I won't ask any questions, mainly because you said you didn't want me to.

Second rant. Stan's kinks. Really? _Really? _But at least some agrees I'm not that girly.

Three. THANK FUCK. Thank you for not putting me with Fatass. Seriously, thank you. Sorry for having to share that horrific mental image with you as well. Sorry for sharing it with everyone, for a matter of fact.

Four. I guess you have a fair point, since some people do have some sense. AND YES, SPELLING HAS GONE TO SHIT. It sucks, but hey, that's just life I guess.

Five. Yeah, sorry. Repressed memories have a thing for…not staying repressed. And really? Come on…I mean, at least you just spit it out, but…just…fuck this shit.

And that narwhal thing? Cookie said something about being 'the greatest artist in the world' and that she drew it. No offence to her, but I bet it sucks ass.

Six. Angsty Stan trying to save me from insanity? Go ahead, seriously, write whatever the fuck you want. I've accepted the fact that no matter how much I rant, I will always be paired with other guys. I've accepted it, and I've moved on.

Seven. Well, high school is a clichéd place anyway. And just saying, I don't mind cheesestrings, I just don't like hypocritical asshats. Even though I have my own hypocrite moments…

Eight. You get used to the nightmares after a while. They suck ass, but after a while, you forget all about them. Sometimes tapping the keyboard helps release pent up issues. I SAID TAPPING, GODDAMIT, NOT FAPPING.

Nine. Lovino Vargas? I have no idea who he is, but when I mentioned him to Cookie, she replied with a random mangle of letters. I presume she was tapping the keyboard while having 'a fangirl fit'.

See? Keyboard tapping is useful.

Still, this 'Romano' guy sounds…interesting. I could only make out puttana, which means bitch/whore/slut. Yes, I learnt how to curse in different languages.

I think Cookie's still 'fan-gasming'. I don't know…maybe I'll check on her later.

Ten. Yep, Stan and Ken are pretty awesome friends. Not going to say anything about the relationship thing, but still, it's nice to think Stan would kick his fat ass if he tried something like that.

Eleven. I don't know, I just fucking hate bananas, and was not having a good day. Maybe someone tried to shove a banana up my ass when I was a little kid. Phobias usually come from childhood traumas after all.

Have fun with that spider.

Twelve. Yeah…good point there. But still, appreciate the encouragement. I'll say the next rock is from you. Sure he'll love it.

Thirteen. I've decided to put you on the list of people that I shall not fuck with. Now go have fun mutilating someone's face. Cartman's specifically.

Fourteen. YES. JUST FUCKING YES. THE LAYOUT SUCKS BALLS. Also, I will fucking love you if you do that to Fatass. I'll gladly assist. Gladly.

Fifteen. Please…no…I really don't want to read that kinda stuff. I just…no..  
Feel free to read that stuff…just don't let me know about it. I prefer being unaware of that sort of thing.

So, there. Thank you, Procella-chick for reading my rants and taking time to rant, as well as everyone else. It's awesome to see people give a shit about the crap I write.

I guess this was really more of a reply rant…Yeah…Meh…

**I'M BACK! Anyways, like Kylie-boo mentioned, I did draw the potato-narwhal thing! Link is on my profile! It probably does suck ass…But, oh well.**

**Cookie.**


	22. That Kid and School

I was about to begin ranting, but I just got an email from Cookie. It began with a lot of keyboard smashing, and then an announcement that my ranting has hit 150 reviews, and also that I should reply to a few more and whatnot.

So, I guess I have one reply for this rant, and that's to 'BrandyDawnluvskittenkats0.0'. Holy shit, how do you remember that long username? I'll just call you Brandy. Please don't fangasm or something because I gave you a nickname, because fangasms are like freaky epileptic fits, and I have no idea what to do with a convulsing teenage girl.

Well, how do I feel about being raped by fangirls? Fuck, I didn't even know fangirls raped me too! But I guess, thinking about it seriously, being inappropriately touched by an unknown girl is better than a guy I know, right? I mean, at least it's straight.

Still, I'm not up for the idea anyway. I have a really goddamn strong feeling that the fangirls would steal my hat, and no one fucks with my hat. Not even Fatass. He wouldn't dare remove my hat unless he wanted to be sleeping six feet under tonight.

That, and the fact fangirls would likely tear me to pieces and make me live in their wardrobe, because they 'love' me. Taking my gloves and forcing me to live with you is a fucked up version of love. I'm not 'your Kyle' either. To people who say 'Kyle is mine, so back off', you don't own me guys, and slavery is a one way ticket to my hate list.

So, that answers that, right?

Back to the original purpose of this rant; School.

Let me begin by saying, our school is a dump. The place is fucking falling apart, literally. I should've burned it down when I had the chance, just to put the building out of its misery.

South Park is freezing, especially at this time of year, and the only thing I want is some fucking heating. Well, Fatass leaving me alone would be great too, but I know that's not going to happen. Want to know just how shitty our heating is?

Toasters.

We use fucking toasters to keep warm. I'm not kidding, we actually have to hold our hands above toasters in a crappy attempt to keep warm, because our school budget is close to nothing. They're not even good quality toasters either, they're the crappy cheap ones that spark when you turn them on. It's a miracle none of us have been electrocuted yet.

Then there's the skeleton, or what's left of it. We used to have a full skeleton model, but bones began mysteriously disappearing over time. Some came back, just not in the right place. For example, the arm is now the skeleton's dick.

Did you know walruses have a penis bone? Yes, this is the shit we learn with Garrison. Pointless facts and conversation starters, not to mention 'celebrity gossip'. We have projects from time to time, just to make it look like we learn stuff. We don't.

The skeleton, as of now, is just a leg, arm and elbow. I only know where the skull went; Cartman's balls. That asshole had it coming to him.

Garrison, hell, I have no idea what gender he/she is currently. I really don't know. Both? I mean, all he/she does is sit typing shit or sitting staring at his/her phone.

…Wait a minute…

What if Garrison read this slash stuff? I mean, he/she is gay/straight, so I'd think this stuff is somewhat appropriate, right?

How disturbing would it be, knowing your transgender teacher was reading a slash story about you and your best friend, while you sat not that far away?

That would be disturbing on levels that match that of 'lemons'. You guys gave porn the nickname of a fruit? Who gave it that name anyway? I'd search it up, but I have no idea what shit would pop up, so staying away sounds good…yeah.

You know what else sucks about school? The shitty furniture. The seats are uncomfortable at fuck, and if you even try to make yourself comfy, the fucking chair breaks, and you have to tape the goddamn thing together again.

It is a wonder how Fatass' seat hasn't been crushed under all that flab. It really is.

The desks are wonky too, not to mention the fact that most desks are the product of the workshop students. Nothing beats cheap manufactured board and a shit ton of nails, except a certain fat, racist, asshole.

On the bright side, I took on some advice, and printed pieces from the Torah onto paper, made them into paper planes, and threw them at said Fatass. He didn't react until he read it, and ran screaming

"_I have been touched by Jewish-ness! I must cleanse mahself!"_

Despite the fact that most of you pair me with my best friends, I can't hate you for that priceless reaction. Thank you fangirls, I owe that beautiful moment to you. Seriously, that reaction was way better than just throwing dreidels at him.


	23. That Kid and Crossover Shipping

Yet another fanfiction based rant. I bet you guys are all excited already. Well, this one's about 'crossover shipping'. I thought being paired with an OC or my best friends was weird, until this was brought to my notice.

I've been paired with some chick called Lisa Simpson, as well as some guy with a Japanese name. Yes, a guy. He wears a purple blazer of something like that. I've even been paired with Dora the mother-fucking explorer. More like a monkey-fucker really.

Dora, fucking hell, don't ask me to look at your shitty ass map! Look at the goddamn thing yourself! And stop talking randomly in Spanish! Being bilingual is fine, but you don't have to say 'up' in Spanish while the rest of the fucking sentence is in English! In the Spanish dub, it would probably be fine, but still, maybe random pieces of English.

Hey, I never thought of it like that before. Huh, interesting.

Looking on the bright side, most of these 'ships' are just pure bullshit. As in, not serious whatsoever. If you were being serious about pairing me with a dumb bitch of a seven year old, I'd question your matchmaking skills heavily.

It's not just me, or course. There's one with a new teacher (As wonderful as a new teacher actually would be), but he's apparently some sexy ass butler guy. I even looked this guy up, and I can only say one thing about him. He'd make straight guys gay. I'm being serious here.

There was even one where we met the Powerpuff Girls. Despite the fact the relationships in this were actually straight, the age differences make it seem almost pedophillic. Besides, the Powerpuff Girls are what, five?

Let's just get to the point. Crushing different 'fandoms' together will just fuck shit up. Really. Really badly. Like ketchup on cake, they just don't mix. I mean, they will mix perfectly with a bit of assistance from a blender, but the end result is a concoction worse than poutine.

I don't even have a clue what shit I'm on about now. I actually had more planned, but it's funny, when you rant, and the second time, you suddenly you can't rant as much as you did the last time.

Seriously, I plan these rants out in my head during school. It's the only thing I actually get out of a typical school day, other than free toast. Yes, we also make toast with the pre-mentioned toasters.

Yeah. Sorry guys, but this isn't the most rantable of days. Life is just too…plain right now. It almost scares me. Oh well, see you next rant.

**A/N: Okay guys! Major announcement! Please read below, because for once, it is of actual importance!**

**I have been planning on writing Kyle's Rants: The Novel. As it says on the Upcoming Fics section of my profile, it's like Kyle's Rants, only with 100% more plot and actual storyline. In other words, a different perspective of Kyle's ranting, and the events that inspire said rants.**

**I've put a poll up on my profile. If there is enough feedback, Kyle's Rants: The Novel, will be written! Don't worry, Kyle's Rants will still continue of course.**

**So, please check out that poll for me guys! If enough people vote, I'll make sure Chapter One and the next rant are up soon! **

**Cookie**


	24. That Kid and Pop Culture

I'm getting unbelievably lazy lately. Anyway, here's a rant about something I feel is a strongly growing part of modern day society. Pop culture. We now live in a world where it is somewhat acceptable for grown men to watch My Little Pony, and where most conversations include a quote, like 'I like trains'.

Music, without a doubt in my mind, has gone to shit. I'd rather listen to Stan's dad make crapping noises than half the crap on the radio. At least the crap from Stan's dad has a message – One burrito is enough. Don't overdo it. That's a much better educational message than 'Ooh yeah, hoes in da club'.

Yes, we are already aware that hoes inhabit clubs, we were aware of that message the first time. Repeating it over fifty times is just overdoing it.

What always shocks me is how such garbage is popular, whilst the most amazing, meaningful and undeniably beautiful songs lie forgotten. That's really fucking sad. What's sadder is how most 'artists' are only famous for their looks, not their singing talent. Should I remind you all of Justin Bieber? I don't know for sure, but I have a strong feeling you guys like him as much as I do.

What about that band, One Direction? The songs they sing sound the same to me, and little kids look up to them. They have songs about 'partying all night'. What amazing role-models for six year olds. Not to mention the merchandise is ridiculously expensive, so they can rip off little girls who want a mug with the picture of their 'future husband'. Creepy fucking shit.

The Jonas Brothers? I remember when the girls used to be all over them. Heck, they don't even know who they are now.

Do you know what else destroys my faith in humanity? Little kids with their own iPads and iPods, full of songs about sex, clubbing and drinking. Last summer I remember the first grade kids singing 'Can you blow my whistle baby'. They're singing a song about a fucking blowjob. Is it really a wonder why old people look at the younger generation in shame? I mean, little kids are singing blowjob songs!

Setting the music aside, let's skip to something so powerful, that it has taken over the world in just about twenty years. So fucking powerful, it has world in its name. The World Wide Web.

The internet is connecting us all in amazing ways. Without it, I wouldn't be ranting to a bunch of people who find listening to someone frustrated talk interesting. Yet, at the same time, the internet has given us some truly horrific things, like Rebecca Black's 'Friday'. Sure, that is more educational, since days of the week is a subject for little kids to learn, but even so, I don't think they could bear it.

The internet has given us paedophile bears, poptart cats that fart rainbows through space, and yaoi…much to my fortune. It's given us memes, like screaming the first syllable of the word fuck in an overly dramatic fashion, and setting the state of mind in a retarded fashion, commonly known as derping. We can't forget the internet trolls though; the guys go well out of their way to annoy people.

These poorly drawn memes have taken over the world, and it's fucking crazy. The internet is fucking crazy. Most fangirls and boys are fucking crazy. Fuck, the whole world is fucking crazy.

Onto TV now. In the last ten years, TV's have changed from those with the giant box at the back, to the sleek flat screen ones. However, this is another one when the older version was better. The old TV's made the most amazing crackly effect when you touched the screen after turning it off. If any of you didn't do that, your childhood must've sucked. The new LCD ones don't, and they break way too easily if you kick a football into them. The older ones were much sturdier, not to mention that they had better shows.

MTV used to be all about music, as well as some cartoons…like Beavis and Butthead. Now, it's shows about irresponsible teen moms and sluts with too much make-up, as well as some of the shittiest music around. Woo-hoo.

I'll admit it though, we all have crappy TV-shows that we loved when we were younger. Terrence and Phillip still makes me laugh, even if it is just two guys making fart jokes. When it comes down to comedy cartoons, the crude jokes are the best.

Even though I never liked Disney Channel (the incident with Mickey Mouse really didn't help), even those shows suck ass. It's about people with the most exaggerated wardrobes, dancing or being a popstar, or a wizard, and then having several shitty relationships. Have you noticed how nearly all these shows are mainly about relationships? What happened to the old cliché of having a bitchy girl and her minions? No, fuck that, kids want making out and romantic dinners.

The only one that's not completely gone to shit is gaming. Technology is getting better, and the graphics on games are way better than before. Some have great plots, and even give you a fucking history lesson. Still, you can't forget 8-bit Mario and Pacman, or Crash Bandicoot. Crash Fucking Bandicoot, Spryo, and Kirby. You don't see those guys as much anymore.

I just love how little kids get to play 18 rated games as well. Nothing quite like having your son name a vast amount of guns, as well as their properties, and how to kill people. I think the Army will be doing well in future years.

Looking back over what I've just said, most of this shit is about little kids, huh? Then again, I guess it's them who'll be growing up in a shitty world. I just hope they don't end up being complete and utter fuck-ups.

Who knows? Maybe the music industry will open their ears to the good old music, and TV shows will have less goddamn relationships that no one gives a rat's ass about.

I have the crappiest feeling that Fatass would willingly convert to Judaism before that happens though.

**A/N: Sorry for the update to take so long! I could make up a bullshit excuse, but in the end, it's down to my laziness. So to make it up, this chapter is twice as long as the usual! **


	25. That Kid and Valentine's Day

Well, if you have any general knowledge of dates, listened to the radio, turned on the TV, or just went outside, you'd know yesterday was Valentine's day. It's the only day that's almost as cheesy as National Cheese Lovers Day. Yes, that really is a day. January 20th, even ask Google. Or Bing, or a general search engine.

Yesterday was crazy shit, as it usually is. Actually, it was probably more cheesy than crazy. How cheesy? To the extent that Fatass did something I really don't want to remember.

Oh God…It had to be one of the most disgusting things I have ever witnessed. I'm going to tell you anyway. Prepare the brain-soap, because the mental images I am about to inflict could cause severe trauma.

Well then, Cartman decided that the girls love cheesy things, like cheesy love songs and cheesy gifts. So, before lunch, he ran off to the cafeteria at speeds I didn't know fat asses like him could reach. I figured that asshole just wanted dibs on the special heart-shaped nuggets. When we eventually got there, we came across the most repulsive thing any of us has probably witnessed.

In the middle of the room, Fatass lay in a 'sexy' pose, covered in thick macaroni cheese – Completely naked. You don't know how revolting that is unless it's right in front of you, staring you in the fucking face.

If that wasn't bad enough, the stench of cheese was so strong, that the girl with the cheese allergy passed out. She wasn't even in the fucking room.

Girls were passing out left, right and center. Fatass, being the stupid prick he is, thought it was because of his 'sexy bod'. More like those endless rolls of flab. The cheese did nothing but define the points where one roll envelops another. Then again, at least it hid his genitalia. Not the thing I'm into, thank you very fucking much.

Hell, even Kenny passed out. Kenny! I mean, jeez, I don't know if the trauma of seeing _that_ did it, or the fact that he'd just contaminated all the cheese. When it comes to food, Kenny's against waste. He has his reasons, work it out yourselves.

After the incident, Nurse Gollum really had her work cut out for her, trying to revive all the horrified students. At least Mackey has something to keep him busy though. I bet those traumatised kids can't wait to hear him ramble on, with the occasional 'Mmmkay?'

Principal Victoria was pretty pissed with Cartman's stunt. He spent a good half hour in the Principal's office, before he was sent back to class with that smug look of success. Things only got more irritating from then on.

He started talking to thin air, like something small was floating there. He kept going on about something, constantly muttering 'Cupid Me', and all this stupid shit. I swear, he's fucking losing it. I genuinely hope people stop being so dense, realise this child has issues, and take him to a mental asylum before he tries to 'continue where Hitler left off'.

Once class was over, he started running off to random people, shoving them together and handing them roses he'd somehow acquired, muttering once again about this 'Cupid Me'.

At first, I didn't mind so much, because it kept him away from me. I'll admit, he was being an ass to those couples, who probably already had dates or something, but was there much point trying to stop him? I mean, the last time he did this shit with Token and Nichole, he went to the extremes.

Then he crossed the damn line. He crossed that fucking line so far, that the line was a little speck in the distance. I'm fucking thankful none of you guys go to my school, or this shit would be all over the fucking internet.

He gave Stan a rose. We both figured he was going to push him with Wendy, and try and get those two back together again. Hell no.

That goddamn fucker pushed Stan into _me_, and the two of us fell over, Stan on top, in the most awkward of fucking positions. Then he yelled all the 'fag' shit, and took pictures. HE TOOK FUCKING PICTURES! I swear, if they leak all over the internet, hear me out first, it is not what it looks like! Don't fucking twist my words around!

Then he said, 'Aw Kahl, your blushing! See, I knew you gahs were fags!'

I kicked that fucker so hard in the balls, that he won't be seeing them for a month. Hell, he can't see them anyway under that stomach.

So, that's the story. Back to the general topic area of Valentine's Day. It's a fucking Hallmark holiday, kinda like how Halloween has become, but more so.

Most people forget it's called _Saint_ Valentine's Day, and that it's about a guy who died for the purpose of Christianity, and for secretly marrying people. Another little history lesson. The whole 'From your Valentine' thing was inspired by Valentine's last words, being those three. He wrote them in a letter in a girl he healed.

I'm obviously not of the Christian faith, but hey, it's useful to know the stories behind things. It's sad to think that people don't recognise just how much this man did for marriage, and how he was brutally tortured for the sake of it. Now it's all red roses, chocolates and hearts.

Seriously, the day has become a great method of getting money from customers, rather than respecting some dead guy.

As for most people at school, if you're wondering, Clyde acted like a bit of an ass, mainly because he still thought of himself as the hottest guy in our class. We never did tell him it was a fake. He got a few notes though, probably from self-centered girls who want some goddamn shoes.

Kenny got some too, but I'm pretty sure they were just numbers from the desperate whores. Either way, I don't think he minds.

I got one, but I have no idea who it's from. I just found it stuffed sideways in my locker this morning. My best guess is Bebe, but hey, I don't know.

That's probably enough for now, I guess.


	26. That Kid and General Annoyances

Well, another week, another rant. This week's been pretty crappy for me, so I guessed this time, I'd do it about the most annoying goddamn things. A certain Fatass would probably show up somewhere, but that certain entity will get his own section, since he'd take up all of this.

I mean, face it. Not one single person on this Earth could love everything. It's humanly impossible. Especially with all the general shit that goes on. You know, shit like ignorant assholes or people with sticks up their asses.

I was going to do a one to ten countdown, but I figured, 'No, fuck that. Ranking this shit is too hard'. I guess mainly from the fact that the things I hate are probably different from your pet-peeves. So, let's get started then.

Firstly, stepping on a Lego brick. Standing on any small object, especially in bare feet, hurts like fuck, but Lego; HOLY FUCK, they are agonizingly painful. If you really hate someone, wait until they're not wearing any shoes, and sneak a Lego brick in their path. Sometimes it's better for you hatred to be discreet, rather than obvious. That way, it's less likely for them to pinpoint revenge on someone if they believe it's just an accident.

How about those kids who ask stupid questions when you want to leave class? It's really stupid if you're in my class, because I think everyone knows Garrison really doesn't give a rat's ass. All they're doing is wasting our time. It frustrates me.

Do you know what else frustrates me? When people misspell words on purpose, for example, changing 'light' to 'lite', or 'quick' to 'qwik', or 'your' to 'ur'. What's the fucking point of that? Rather than making it easier to read, it just takes longer for my brain to decipher it. Of course, it's not nearly as bad as PeOpLe WhO tYpE LiKe ThIs. It's fucking stupid.

Would you like to know something else I find fucking stupid? When people butcher a sentence by disregarding grammar and punctuation, and top it all off by ending it with _'lol :)'_.

'_lyk makin a sandwich wit cheez bcuz I can lol :)'_

Just looking at it disgusts me. Do tell, why are you laughing aloud because you are making a cheese sandwich? And why is it that you can? Were you previously forbidden from making cheese sandwiches? Are you just making a lame attempt at sounding badass?

I don't fucking know. And now I'm picking on cheese again. I'm sorry, cheese. You seem to appear in my rants too often.

Moving on, when people wear things for fashion, not for comfort. That's just being stupid. Here, we don't actually have huge choice of what to wear, mainly since it's cold as fuck here for the majority of the year. I mean, why do ladies wear high heels when they are clearly uncomfortable in them? I wouldn't even try to wear them, because I believe they're ankle-snappers. I like walking without broken ankles, thank you very much.

Still on the theme on fashion, why the fuck do young girls wear so much freaking make-up? When you're young, your skin looks generally good. Piling a shit ton of cosmetics on it is just going to fuck it up, and you're going to need to use make-up when your older to hide the skin you killed when you were twelve.

But really, why so much? And why so ridiculously? I see girls with some black stuff under their eyes; Heck, I've even seen them, staring into windows just to rub this black stick around their eyes. If you do this, please, fucking stop it. Girls who do that look horrifically sleep-deprived, and their eyes look sunken in, like they have a terminal disease. Looking like you have a contagious infection is going to drive guys away, not reel them in.

Let me think…Oh, yeah. People who dress their pets, like putting a sausage dog in a hot dog costume. I'm pretty sure that dog would rather being pissing on a fire hydrant, or shit on someone's lawn. Those two things are pretty annoying as well, but still, poor dog. The owners still wonder why Mr Snookums ran into the road after he was dressed as a fairy princess.

Babies. I can't stand them. They scream, and cry, and moan, and crap themselves, and just…ugh…They generally annoy me. I know, I know, I was a baby once. I just hope I wasn't that annoying. Adding to that, baby nails; Possibly one of the sharpest things ever to exist. Visualize that kind of pain when a baby, with those little dagger nails, is grabbing your cheeks, with hands covered in gross baby food. How pleasant.

Okay, I'm going back to the annoying ways of typing now; Hashtags. Not long ago, most people had no fucking idea what they were even called. Then Twitter and Tumblr became popular. Fuck you guys.

I can't stand how people use them for the stupidest things, like #sittingontoilet or #doingawhizz. Not to mention their use of Facebook. Wrong website, dumbasses. Worse than that, reality. I really fucking hate how people randomly drop the word hashtag in their conversations. This is another one of those fads that I hope dies out quickly.

I could list annoying things for hours and not run out. Public toilets without toilet paper, being interrupted in the middle of a conversation, eating a sandwich and realizing it's got blue mould on it, and yeah, you get the picture.

Old jokes, like 'Spell icup' or 'Say pass the fork and knife whilst holding your tongue'. They can be pretty annoying, but on the Brightside, you can probably come up with a good comeback since you already know it.

What about cinema related ones? People talking during a movie, people asking you questions during a movie, people making out at the back of the theatre…You get it.

How about flat fizzy drinks? They suck…So do toffee's that get really stuck in your teeth. Or when you get a fizzy bubble stuck up your nose.

I think I'll leave off here, because this could go on for a while.

**A/N: What is this? Kyle's Rants are getting longer? Gasp!**


	27. That Kid and Overused Plots

Guys, I just realised something. When I first came here around September or August, I came to spread word of how I was…misinterpreted. Then, after a while, I just got so used to nonchalantly ranting, that I lost my original drive. Despite the fact that I'm still uncomfortable with your ideas, especially male pregnancy (I mean, to you guys, it seems as normal as a regular pregnancy. Jesus Christ guys!) I have somewhat gotten used to it. Strange, don't you think so?

I guess I really should get back to that, but this was one thing that really bugged me. Scroll up to the top of the page, to the blue banner at the top. What does it say? 'Unleash your imagination', that's what. For a site with a slogan like that, the things I find are disappointing.

I mean, I'll be honest. Looking past all the gay parts, there are some genuinely good things you guys write. Stuff I think could make a great novel. The main problem is unoriginal ideas constantly being used. Geez, some people really need to get some originality!

I know I've already gone over OC's but I think it's something I really have to go over again. Enough times for people to get what I'm saying. 'New girl moves to South Park and falls in love with someone' really is not a goddamn original idea. Sorry guys, but just to further prove your unoriginality, remember Nichole? Yeah, I kinda liked her, but hey, I guess I'm over it now. It was just a crush, you know?

Well, Nichole was a new-girl who moved here, and she's with Token now. Ring a bell anyone? I know this idea's been going around long before Nichole came here, but sheesh, it's really time to stop. Just to further that, I'll write one right now.

So, go make some Pot Noodles or toast, or maybe just take that shitty biscuit at the back of the cupboard that no one wants, because I, Kyle Broflovski, am about to write a clichéd fanfic. Or maybe take a photo or something, just to commemorate the event, because I really doubt I'll be making a habit of this.

Ok, here goes nothing.

_It was a beautiful day in the small, idyllic town of South Park. Birds were singing, and there was a peaceful quiet over the land. Tiffany Summers looked out the car window, staring at the ground outside. She was bored already, and hated this little crap-bucket of a town._

_She continued to text on her iPhone, before turning to curl her lips into a sexy pose and angling the camera to take a picture of herself on Instagram. She then uploaded it to Twitter, with the message '#boredasfuck, #inacrappyshithole and #outofmascara!_

_She continued to post it on FaceBook, adding the same tags as before. Soon, comments from all her friends at her old home poured in. Messages like 'miss u bbz ):' and 'any cute guys ;D lol' were among the many. She was hugely popular back there, why did her stupid parents have to move!_

_Sighing loudly for the tenth time, she opened her large crocodile-print purse and fished out her lip-gloss to re-apply it. _

"_Honey! We're here!" Her mom announced, getting out of the car and standing outside the dark green two-storey house._

"_Ew, that green is so totally gross" Tiffany look disgusted, flipping her waist-length blonde locks. She pulled out her phone once again, taking a photo of her new home and posting it once again, with the tags '#uglygreen and #mynewhousesucks'._

_Standing there for a moment, she noticed a group of boys approaching her. She inspected them, realising they were actually pretty damn good looking. A black haired boy with a dull expression came up to her and said-_

"_Hey, you're the new girl Tiffany, right? I'm Craig" He said dully, with a small smile. He flipped his ebony bangs, staring deep into her bright blue eyes with his dark, deep blue ones._

OK! THAT'S ENOUGH! Stop eating your toast or crappy unwanted biscuits, because there is no fucking way I am continuing this monstrosity. I think that's a good enough example of a basic meeting, right? I can't write any more, because it is a disgrace to literature. Not just that, but it's too unrealistic. I mean, Craig smiling? Dude, how often does he do that? Really?

Let's look at that horrible piece in a more likely way, shall we? Resume eating guys.

"_DAD! STOP THE FUCKING CAR OR GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" Tiffany screeched as a hugely oversized hamster wearing a sombrero and poncho stomped towards them._

"_OH JESUS CHRIST HELP US! EL GIGANTE HÁMSTER HAS RETURNED FROM MEHICO!" A man yelled loudly, craning his neck through the car window. Tiffany continued to scream, only louder._

"_I'M SORRY! I'D LOVE TO HELP, BUT I CAN'T DO THIS ON MY OWN!" A man wearing a white robe yelled, as he ran past, with a glowing halo of light hovering above his head. Tiffany's parents were dumbfounded._

_The halo-ed man pointed to the sky, then raising both arms out wide._

"_BUDDHA! MUHAMMAD! SEA MAN!" He cried, his halo beeping like a transmitter, "I NEED YOUR HELP, SUPER BEST FRIENDS!"_

_A light burst from the clouded skies, several figures dropping from seemingly nowhere, surrounding the bearded man._

_Tiffany continued to watch this display, her sanity draining at a rapid pace._

"_BA-NA-NA-NA! BUDDHA!" The white robed man sang loudly, pointing to a large, smiling man._

"_DOO-DOOO-DOO-DOO! MUHAMMAD!" He turned to point to another man, who turned out to be nothing more than a giant pixellation._

"_NU-NU-NU-NU-NEUUUUH! SEA MAN!" He pointed to a blonde man in very tight and revealing green tights, and a close-fitting aqua shirt that defined his man-boobs. Sea-Man brandished two dead fish, in a pose that was either intimidating or hilarious. More so the latter._

"_BAM-BA-NA-BA-BAM! JESUS CHRIST!" The man pointed both fingers to himself, before kneeling down, "AND WE ARE, THE SUPER BEST FRIENDS!"_

"_WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS PLACE!" Tiffany's mom screamed, torn between running away or staying in the vehicle. Whilst she screamed, the Super Best Friends began to attack the Mexican hamster._

"_Carol! It's okay, we'll go find help!" Tiffany's dad shouted, trying to console his convulsing wife. He quickly returned to the wheel, taking off at speeds that were certainly illegal._

"_I'm sorry David, I just can't take it!" She howled, ripping her seat-belt off and throwing herself from the car, where she fell into the opened manhole from which the Mexican beast first came from._

"_CAROL!" He screamed, abandoning his vehicle to try save his wife. As he dashed from the car, he was stopped by a large officer, with a name tag saying 'Barbrady' on it._

"_Sir, those speeds are unacceptable. Can you see this sign?" Officer Barbrady pointed to the sign, signalling the maximum speed, which had clearly been passed._

"_A giant hamster is attacking, my wife was just killed, and that's all you're doing! What the hell is wrong with you!" David shouted angrily, releasing his rage in a punch on Barbrady's chest._

"_Sir, hitting an officer is an offence!" Barbrady gave the man a harsh look, which resulted in David pulling at the little hair he had left and running right into the manhole which took his wife's life._

_Tiffany sat in the car, mortified at the sudden deaths of her parents. She began to sob, alone in a shitty town she hated. Only when she heard a loud cry to she perk up slightly._

"_CITIZENS! HAVE NO FEAR, FOR I, THE COON, HAVE COME TO SAVE ALL YOU! EXCEPT FOR KAHL!"_

_She got out of the car to see a chubby boy standing on a roof, wearing a modified child's raccoon costume. His stomach protruded from the shirt, hanging over the top of his pants. _

"_Get down from there you stupid fuck! Unless you want to die!" Someone else yelled. Tiffany turned to see another boy at the base of the building, yelling for the other to come down._

_As the raging battle continued between the Giant Mexican Hamster and the Super Best Friends, the Giant Hamster suddenly began to speak._

"_We meet again, Super Best Friends. For I am-!" The hamster was cut off, as it shed its skin to reveal a metal robot with David Blaine in control._

"_DAVID BLAINE! OUR SWORN ENEMY!" Sea-Man roared, ripping his shirt open in an attempt to look manly and powerful. However, all it did was let his saggy man-boobs free._

"_GET YOUR FAT ASS DOWN FROM THERE!"_

"_SHUT THE FUCK UP, KAHL!"_

_The epic confrontation between the sworn rivals was awkwardly interrupted by the arguments of the fat boy in the Coon costume, and the other boy down below. David Blaine paused, then turned, only to be blasted by a ball of light._

"_AND LET THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPEL YOU!" Jesus yelled loudly as his holy power sent the enemy flying to the ground, creating a large cloud of dust. A figure emerged from the dramatic cloud. His luminous yellow spandex costume was finished with a painfully tight red thong._

"_DO NOT FEAR, FOR I, CAPTAIN HINDSIGHT, KNOW WHERE YOU WENT WRONG!" He paused to face the half-conscious David Blaine. "You should not have revealed your true identity; therefore you could have had a better chance"_

_And with that, Captain Hindsight took off, soaring into the skies._

_Tiffany gawped at the scene. However, she did not gawp for long, as the metal arm of David Blaine's robot crushed her._

Ok, so, being honest, that wasn't really a fanfic I made up. I made up Tiffany and her family, but the rest of that did happen last week. You'd think it's pretty crazy, but hey, that's normal.

As for Fatass, I did get him down eventually. I used the old dreidel throwing technique. Worked like a charm. I'm telling you guys, few things are funnier that a fat kid running away crying for his mommy. Actually, if you didn't know Cartman, then you'd think I'd be the dick in this situation for finding that funny.

Moving on, high school. I see this one popping up everywhere, and like the last one, I know I've already done this, but I don't think I added enough detail.

So, high school. Some are like cheesy chick-flicks, with person A and person B falling in love, but too shy to confess, and torn apart by social class and issues like homophobia. Ignoring the first part, does this remind any of you of a certain movie about a high school musical? Which was very originally entitled 'High School Musical'. Geez, I wonder how long it took them to come up with that name.

How do I know about that godawful fad? I was in it, and I still regret it. I guess we all made dumb mistakes of following fads though, huh? I'm pretty sure we all have at least one fad we deeply regret.

Continuing, the high school idea can be taken many directions, like based on the events of a certain class, or a school trip. But the romance mush is usually always common. I'll be frank, I usually don't read many, yet the summaries give the feel that they are all more or less the same. Here's an example, but of course I'll just put some randomly selected names in there to replace…other people.

'Stacy and co. have just started high school! Friendships will blossom, relationships shall be made and drama and chaos shall ensue! Pairings: StacyxKyla ChrissyxTina KennedyxBlondie'

Now, compare it to this-

'They may have survived Elementary, but will our favourite characters survive the drama of high school? And how will they cope with love?'

I don't know, they just sound pretty similar, right? Okay, moving on to the next one. Crossovers. But not just any, particular ones. There's always at least one of these wherever you go. There's always a SAW one, and there's always a Final Destination one. I remember watching Saw when I was younger. Back then, the realistic effects scared the shit out of me. Final Destination, not as much, mainly because the deaths were highly unlikely.

In general, there is always at least one horror movie one. Another popular crossover is Battle Royale. I looked it up, and it's a Japanese movie about a class of teens who are stuck on an island with special collars, and have three days to kill or be killed.

I thought it would be a good idea to bring it to one of our guy sleepovers. The plot was pretty good, I can't deny that. Stan thought it was cool, Kenny seemed a little…I don't know, there was just something about how he acted with each death. I think Kenny has a thing with death, but I don't really want to bring it up to him, in case it upsets him.

As for Fatass, he loudly and obnoxiously commentated throughout the whole thing. Here are a few quotes that I distinctly remember, mainly because they nearly burst my ear drums.

"Kahl, why did you have to bring a goddamn DVD in Japanese! For all we know, those subtitles could be lies! It could hold secret messages for the invasion!"

"Oh man, see that gah? I bet he's evil gahs, I just know it. He's ginger gahs, he hasn't got a soul"

"OH MY GOD! SHE'S STABBING HIM IN THE DICK! JESUS CHRIST! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT FEMINIST BITCH?! THAT HOE DON'T LIKE DICK?!"

"FUCK! I KNEW IT GAHS! SEE? THE GINGER GAH! HE'S A FUCKING PYSCHOPATH! See? No soul, a heartless, cruel killer…"

"NO BUTTERS! Stop covering your eyes like a pussy! AND STOP EATIN' MAH CHEESY POOFS!"

You get the idea, right? In general, crossovers are a big thing. I don't mind them, I mean, some people really utilise both plots and put them really well together. But then, there's the type where we're just thrown into some other world. Some work, others don't.

Well, I'll do more later guys. See you later.

**A/N: LONGEST RANT YET! 2355 WORDS! Even bigger, we've passed 200 reviews! That's insane guys! I just want to thank you all for taking your time to review, and for sticking around! It's been a wild journey and it's far from finished!**

**-Cookie**


	28. That Kid and St Patrick's Day

Well dudes, another week, another rant. I figured since St. Patrick's Day is coming up, that should be the general theme this time round. There's also the fact that the girl who I (fortunately) haven't mentioned for quite a while, Cookie, is Irish.

So, Saint Patrick's Day. Despite the fact that this is a Christian holiday, it's widely celebrated by a lot of people, even Atheists. I guess, being Jewish, that I sort of celebrate it, but more the Irish side of it. I mean, hey, the guy did teach the Irish about one God rather than the shit-ton of Pagan Gods they had. Really, there isn't much difference between Judaism and Christianity, right? Just Jesus. That's another reason Fatass should stop being such a dick.

Back to Patrick. He was first called Maewyn Sucatt. He changed his name to Patrick because apparently changing your name is a Christian kind of thing. Of course, he's more commonly known as Paddy. It's pretty common for an Irish person to casually talk about 'ol Paddy' like an old friend.

Y'know, I have a pretty good feeling none of you want to hear me go on about religion and whatnot, and also the fact I'm kinda rusty with the whole Christian stuff, so let's just wrap it up quickly.

Ready? I'll try to make it interesting so you actually pay attention and don't fall asleep.

Ok, he was kidnapped by pirates, but not in a badass way, because this is the fifth century for fuck's sake. There's no goddamn parrots or eyepatches. Just a lot of hairy, threatening men with spiked balls and swords who like to yell a lot. No plank-walking either.

So, he got sold to a guy, but not as a young prostitute, as a slave. He got stuck on some mountain/hill thing with some sheep or pigs, and stayed there for about six years. Life sucks when your only friends are fat slobbery pigs who casually shit on the floor. Believe it or not, I was talking about the pigs there, not Cartman. They do share a resemblance though.

Then, he ran away, got on a ship, and somehow got back to Britain. Then, he did some shit, like building churches or something, I don't know. Then, he apparently had a dream, telling him to get his ass back to Ireland to convert the shit out of those people.

And he did. He got his ass back on the boat he struggled so hard to get, to go back to the island he escaped. He told people about God and stuff like that, with a shamrock. That's why Ireland and Shamrocks go hand in hand.

They say he did other stuff, like raise someone from the dead, and chase the snakes out of Ireland. If you have a terrible snake phobia, then head over there, and you'll be safe. Unless you go to a zoo. If you do go to the zoo, don't go to the reptile house. If you have a snake phobia, and you are stupid enough to go in a reptile house and shit yourself, then you deserve to walk around with crap in your pants.

Then, he died, on March 17th. So that's the date sorted out. He was buried in a place called Downpatrick, named after him, because he converted nearly a whole fucking island to Christianity. Give the guy a congratulations for that. A whole goddamn island. Well, the island is probably only the size of Indiana, but hey, the US didn't really exist back then. Maybe it did, I don't know.

So, the whole idea of the holiday is to celebrate how Patrick brought Christianity to Ireland. As I have been told by that-girl-who's-name-I-won't-mention-because-she-sounds-like-an-OC, 's Day is a pretty big deal in Ireland, obviously. Really, the rest of the world use it as more of an excuse to put on terrible Irish accents, dress like obese leprechauns and drink beer, or really just respecting Irish heritage. I guess the reason it's so big in America is because a lot of people have Irish ancestors, most coming around the time of the Great Famine. I read up on this, and basically, the potatoes fucked up, and the Irish were screwed without their potatoes, so shiploads came over here.

One thing I don't get, is how a religious holiday transformed into a Leprechaun drinking fest. Kinda like Oktoberfest, but in March. Marchfest just sounds stupid.

Where the fuck did leprechauns come into the picture? What have leprechauns got to do with Saint Patrick, other than being Irish? Motherfucking leprechauns…I will eternally hate those creatures for being the spark that caused me the trauma of watching a copy of myself suck Cartman's balls. That was disgusting.

When this holiday comes around, all your see is green shamrocks everywhere, as well as a shit ton of hats in the colours of the Irish flag. I mean, fucking hell, you could open a temporary shop that sells only 's hats. There's joker style hats, there's top hats, there's glittery hats, there's cowboy hats, hats with buckles, shamrock boppers, you name it. Then there's the other merchandise. Green temporary hair spray, air horns, silly string, shamrock shades, you get it.

It's like Valentine's Day and Halloween – another holiday that's lost its meaning, covered up with shamrocks and beer.

Now that we've covered that, let's go onto the actual place itself.

_Ireland – The emerald isle, an idyllic island of vast countryside and breath-taking sights, with a rich history and deep culture._

That's what a brochure what say, buttering it up so it sounds like the most pleasant little island on Earth. Now, let's hear what a real Irish person has to say.

_Ireland – Fields, more fields, sheep, cows, more cows, tractors, and riots. Can't forget those riots now, can we? Oh no, nothing's nicer than some eejit throwing a bomb under your car. Feckin' bastards._

That…sounds real nice. Well, I know nothing about the Irish language, but 'Cookie' happens to be fluent in Irish slang, and has kindly translated some phrases you can use to truly enjoy your St. Patrick's Day like the Irish.

'_What de craic'_ – So, the word craic is pronounced like crack, so be careful, because if you're not in Ireland, or maybe Scotland, England or Wales, people may think you're discussing drugs. It's really the equivalent of 'Whassup' or 'How's it goin?'. In text messages, it's abbreviated to '_wdc' _

'_The craic was ninety'_- This mean's someone had a real good time, and that it couldn't have been any better, because apparently, 90 is the highest. 100 was clearly ignored in this one.

'_Lawd' _– Pretty much lad, which if you didn't know, means a young boy. I guess I'd sort of fit into that. It's similar to 'dude' or 'bro'.

'_Eejit' – _As mentioned in the above statement, this pretty much means 'idiot' or 'stupid person'. I'm pretty sure Cartman qualifies as one of those.

'_Feck' _– Pretty much fuck, but somehow, by changing a letter, the word becomes acceptable to use in front of children. Alternatives are 'fecker' and 'feckin'. If you don't get it, change the 'e' to a 'u' and watch as the word magically transforms.

'_Shut your gob' _– Nope, this doesn't mean 'close your legs, you slutty hoe'. It means shut your mouth. A nicer way than saying 'Shut the fuck up'. Gob means mouth, pretty much where the word 'Gobstopper' gets its name.

'_Spud' _– Potato. Alternatives are 'tayter' and 'purtahs'.

So, now you have some genuine words of the beautiful language that is Irish slang. Go tell that to some people and see what happens.

Then of course, there's stereotypes. No country would be complete without a few stereotypes, right? There's the ginger hair thing, as well as the constantly going to the pub to get drunk off your ass one, and the potato-loving one.

Actually, once, in a St. Patrick's Day parade a few years ago, some lady thought I was Irish, because I had red hair and green eyes. That's a pretty fucking stupid stereotype, because according to Cookie (Yeah sorry for mentioning her again), most Irish folk have brown hair, and there isn't that many with red/ginger hair.

Then there's the beer thing. I mean, Ireland does happen to have the famous Guinness, as well as Magners, and are famous around the world for their pubs. As for the potato thing, it's probably because potatoes used to be the main diet, and still are, in Irish homes. It probably has something to do with Irish recipes as well, like Irish stew.

So, if you're doing something this St Paddy's Day, go have fun and do that. But whatever the fuck you do, if you see a leprechaun, don't do something stupid like lure it with Lucky Charms, because for starters, Irish people don't get Lucky Charms, and because if your luck is like mine, you'll probably end up in a really shitty situation.

Now go and do whatever the fuck you want to do, and if you get into shit with a goddamn leprechaun, don't say I didn't warn you.

**A/N: Happy St Paddy's day guys! I know other countries celebrate this day too, but I have no idea how. If you do, let me know! I'd love to know how other countries celebrate it!**

**Now go and do something, like feed your cat, if you have one, and may the luck o' the Irish be with you!**

…**That was rather fun to say. Type technically.**


	29. That Kid and Shitty Weather

So, here we are again. It's becoming a habit, isn't it? I bitch about shit, you guys laugh at it. Same old, same old. As of recent though, I don't think I've been very…agitated or annoyed in my rantings. More like a debate, or discussion of some civilised manner.

Well not fucking today!

I am fucking pissed to levels that are considered homicidal. If Fatass even thinks of trying to annoy me, I'll fucking castrate him. WITH SAFETY SCISSORS.

Y'know what? I feel so pissed, let's play a drinking game! But drink milk or some shit, or you'd get drunk as fuck. Every time I say 'fuck' or 'fucking', take a drink!

So, you might be thinking, 'Sheesh, I wonder what dumbass pissed off Kyle'. That's the thing. It wasn't Cartman, unbelievably. It was the fucking sky. I'm not fucking with you, the goddamn sky pissed me off.

Let's start the story from yesterday. Do the whole _'Make some hot beverage or snack and grab some plushies just for the hell of it, and much to the confusion of anyone else in the room with you' _ thing, and I'll get started.

I think all of you know what kind of place South Park is; a cold, snowy, freeze-your-balls-off kinda place. I mean, it is Colorado. So, this extremely douche-y looking news reporter said of South Park being in the red warning for heavy snow, gale force winds, hailstones and maybe even some dead cats and dogs if the wind really picked up. A huge motherfucker of a blizzard.

I got a little too cocky, knowing my mom would do the whole _'I'm not letting my bubby go out in that'_ thing, and get all over-protective of Ike and I, letting us have the day off. No matter how old you are, a day off is one of the most fucking amazing things ever.

So, since I was so goddamn sure of the predictable act, I stayed up later than usual watching Terrance and Phillip, reading some real fucking literature (Twilight is not literature! It has faggy sparkly vampires and shirtless werewolves just for fanservice! Jesus!) and all that crap.

I woke up this morning, saw the window, and thought _'Hell yeah, no school today'_. So, I went downstairs and got some cereal, playing along until Mom came with the announcement both Ike and I were anticipating. Then she came.

"Come on boys, you got school today"

I nearly shit a brick when she said that. And I fucking debated very strongly, without the use of 'naughty language', because she's my mom and she'd fucking geld me. Geld. GELD!

"But Mom! That blizzard! You can't send us out in that!"

"No bubby, you gotta go to school!"

"But I'll probably get the flu!"

"Stop exaggerating bubby and get dressed"

"See the weather report?! 100% of heavy snow!"

"Bubby, that's just slush out there"

"But m-"

"NO BUTS BUBBY! NOW GET DRESSED!"

You figure out the rest for yourself. I lost. I got my ass kicked by my Mom.

Then, I had to wade through that crap to get to the fucking bus stop. It rained a fuck-load as well, so the puddles were bigger than Cartman's ass. The best part? No one was there, and every car that passed made a mini-tsunami that fucking soaked me.

Only six people, including myself, were on the bus. Lucky fuckers, with parents who give a shit about their safety. I mean, for fucks sake, my Mom went to war with Canada over a few bad words, yet she throws me out into this fucking blizzard? Apparently school is more important than a fucking blizzard that's meant to come? THANKS MOM. I CAN FEEL HOW MUCH YOU CARE.

The whole journey, I noticed the place was practically a ghost-town, people staying inside, fearing this blizzard that I had to suffer. When we got to the craphole known as South Park Elementary, the lights kept flickering, and barely anyone was about. I thought they'd close the school, or at least let us go home, but hell no, we had to stay there.

Garrison tried to show the few of us a video of a monkey flinging poop, then running from zoo-keepers into the road where it was then horribly mutilated by an oncoming truck. However, the electricity fucked up, so we had to sit in darkness.

After the torture of listening to Anne talk about Justin Bieber, we got to leave, only to find the bus was cancelled, and I had to walk home with Ike. It was fucking awful.

The hailstones stung my face like bullets, no wait, daggers. Fuck that, dagger-bullets. The winds were about to throw me into the road, because they were that goddamn strong and they blew my fucking hat off! MY FUCKING HAT.

I had to chase after it, and I tripped in a snow drift, landed face-first, and eventually got up. When I got my hat, it had been ripped by a thorny bush. I was at the stage were I'd kill the next thing that appeared, be it a nice old lady or a fluffy kitten.

So, I threw all the blame of my misfortunes on that spiky fucking bush. I screamed shit like

'I BET YOUR MOTHER IS AT THE BOTTOM OF A COMPOST HEAP, LIKE THE BUSHY WHORE SHE IS!'

And,

'THAT HAT WAS A GIFT FROM MY DEAD GRANDMOTHER!'

Then left. My hair got fucking soaked, so it hung down in messy clumps like that creepy bitch from the Ring.

When I got home, all Mom said was 'Hi bubby, how was your day?'

I fucking lost it. Lost what? I have no fucking idea. I should just take a shower or something…calm the fuck down…maybe some Terrance and Phillip to take my mind off the fuck up that was today.

So there you have it. I had a shitty fucking day. Why is it weather has to be such a dick-faced ass master? If I could, I'd give weather a strongly worded speech. But if I did, they'd take me to the mental asylum. And Fatass would laugh.

That fucker.

**A/N: Poll on my profile! Check it out please! **

**Also, huge thanks to all the anonymous reviews! I've been meaning to thank you guys!  
One more thing! I really don't like the new layout, but it does give an interesting feature. By searching most reviews in the South Park archive, I found this story is near the top of the fourth page!**

**Thank you for putting this story up there! I hugely appreciate it!**

**-Cookie**


	30. That Kid and Easter

Shit's being happening, like Passover and Fatass being a dick, but no surprise there. At first, I felt like not bothering to rant, but then I got some news from 'Cookie'. Yep, remember her? I prefer not to, but oh well. Anyways, if you noticed in earlier rants, this person had personal rants about not having Lucky Charms.

Well guess what.

Go on motherfucker, guess.

Are you guessing? Predicting and guessing are different things you know.

Give up?

She got her motherfucking Lucky Charms. Bet you didn't see that coming. But yes, because of this incident and several emails saying…

'_HOLY FUCKMUFFINS KYLIE-BOO! I GOT ME SOME LUCKY CHARMS! MY LIFE IS COMPLETE! I'LL SEND YOU PHOTOS WITH ME AND MY BOX OF LUCKY CHARMS! _

_SEE KYLIE? SIX NEW SWIRLED MOONS! THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL! THANK YOU, AMERICA, FOR YOUR AMAZING FOOD!'_

So, because I got a shit ton of emails, not to mention photos of her hugging a cereal box, I told her I'd rant this week if she would kindly shut the fuck up.

I guess the reason I didn't feel like ranting was because, well, I don't know. I guess if anything, I should rant about Easter. Yeah, another holiday I don't celebrate. Woop-de-fucking-doo.

You see, Fatass, like usual, has a shit ton of chocolate eggs from his mom. Being the dick he was, he offered me some, then said-

"_Oh wait a moment Kahl. The egg-It's speaking to me!'_

'_What's that, Miss Egg? You don't want Kahl's Jewishness to contaminate your Christian message? Well, we can't have that now, can we?'_

Predictably, the asshole ate the fucking egg. Not that I really wanted some anyway, but fuck, does he know how to be a fucking dick-faced, shit-eating, plushie-fucking ball-bag!

Yes, plushie-fucking. Because why else would he have so many female dolls? I don't want to talk about it, and sure as hell you guys don't want to think it, so let's change the topic.

Later on, he kept screaming at how 'my kind killed his Lord'. I mean, sheesh, does that mean if you're Muslim, you're a terrorist? Of course not, because that's fucking stupid. Cartman thinks otherwise, but he's an inconsiderate racist douchebag.

What he did next was disgusting, sick, and fucked up. Maybe not as much as the time he fed Scott Tenorman his parents, but something on that scale.

If you like lambs, you probably won't want to read this part.

So, he went to the slaughterhouse (As he was 'fascinated' and wanted to learn, apparently), and took a lamb head. A LAMB HEAD. He then spreads its blood all over his house, so he will be 'saved'.

He's fucking psychotic. That kid needs to go to an asylum, but hey, even they will struggle with him. He once went to a therapist. I think the therapist either moved away or killed themselves…

But fucking hell, I thought last time, he'd changed. I genuinely thought that maybe, just maybe, he'd finally grown up and stopped his douche-y acts, or at least toned them down.

Well, I was fucking wrong. You want to know the reason why? Because he believed the Angel of Death would spare him and his mom, and kill all of us, so that he could get all the Easter Eggs for himself.

I knew he was being a dick with the 'Jewpacabra' story, but this is being fucking crazy. His mom even asked why the house was covered in 'red stuff', and he told her it was for a modern art project. She believed it.

Didn't she smell the pungent aroma of death? Or question why the 'paint' stained in that particular fashion?

Y'know what? Fuck modern art. Some are ok, but some people just throw a fork into a misshapen vase, then cover it in ham, and it somehow becomes art. A ham-covered fork in a vase is not art, it's just…weird.

Back to Easter. I'd talk shit about how it's another commercialized holiday, but hey, I've said that shit plenty of times. I'm pretty sure you guys are probably sick of me talking about over-commercialized holidays by now.

So, Easter. Eggs and bunnies. I'd normally rant about how this has nothing really to do with Jesus dying, but after the incident where Stan and I were taken to Rome and had I had to kill Jesus, I guess there is a connection…Apparently.

But anywho, Jesus dies, that's kinda the whole idea, right? I feel a little sorry for Jesus, because he's usually ignored in his own celebrations, like how people give more fucks about Christmas presents than his birthday. Actually, now that I think way back, I remember when he once tried to kill Santa over that issue. That was some crazy shit…

…and still, even back then, Cartman said I couldn't eat the Christmas snow because I was Jewish. I guess some people never really change, huh?

Y'know what? The Easter Bunny in the mall is a douche. I think he's a drug addict as well. Possibly also a paedophile. We were at the mall, and the guys wanted to see the Easter Bunny. When I say that, mainly Fatass.

Why exactly is he a douche? Well, when some little girl sat on his lap, he started moaning and saying 'Oh yeah…. Wiggle your butt a little, like a cute little bunny'. Fucking creep.  
Also, he started singing 'Twinkle Twinkle, Ugly Dead Fish' in a tone that sounded high as fuck to me.

Wanna know the lyrics of his _pleasant_ little song? Here, read them, and tell me how anyone could make that shit up without being on drugs.

_Twinkle twinkle, ugly dead fish  
My cereal is a furry, and it likes my chinchilla's butt.  
Internet Explorer fucked Dora in the ear  
And shoelaces are bondage slaves to shoes  
So sparkle…or twinkle, ugly dead fish  
You're the most boring pet I've had in years_

Seriously, sing that shit and tell me it is not fucked up at least slightly.

After, he decided to tell a little boy a limerick, that goes like this-

_There once was a woman from Que  
Who filled her vagina with glue  
She said with a grin  
If they pay to get in  
Then they'll pay to get out of it too_

That kid then asked his mom what a vagina was. She told him it was a bad word, so he decided to loudly scream '_VAGINA! VAGINA! VAGIIIINNNAAAA!'_ very loudly. It was funny as fuck.

On the bright side, when Fatass sat on the douche-bunny's lap, I think he broke it. So, I guess Fatass maybe did a good deed by breaking the bones of one of Pedobear's followers.

So, that's more or less what happened this week. Happy Easter guys, and a Happy Passover to…me…and any other Jews.

Yeah…

That awkward moment when you guys probably are celebrating Easter, whilst I'm probably the only one celebrating Passover.

Awkward…

**A/N: LUCKY CHARMS, HELL YEAH! But credit to the writer of that limerick, because I think it's hilarious.**


	31. That Kid and Bronies

Oh for fuck's sake. I think by now, you guys know who's been starting shit and pissing me off. That goddamn bastard Fatass. That fat fuck, with his goddamn girly dolls and his motherfucking…motherfucking-ness! If you hyphenate it, Microsoft Word counts it as a word! I do not fuck with you!

As for that Pedo-bunny from last week, I think he raped Kenny…or maybe Kenny raped him. Kenny just went off with him and, well, he didn't come back…

I mean, he's fine! He came to school and all that shit! I just don't trust that freaky-ass guy-in-a-costume. He smelt like cabbage and French cheese…

Back to the dick-faced shit-eater of the Millenium. You remember how he has a thing for throwing rocks at my window? Well, this morning, he started screaming 'For Equestria!' and throwing small plastic My Little Ponies.

My.

Little.

Motherfucking.

Ponies.

Why?

Am

I

Typing

Like

This?

I don't really know. But what I do know, is that another goddamn fad has taken over the school. It's possibly gayer than the metrosexual fad, and it takes quite a lot to be gayer than a gay fad. Seriously, _everyone_, boys, girls, even Garrison for fuck's sake, Garrison! Love it!

Everyone's going down to Hot Topic, and having themselves a time. With pony faces everywhere, and humble folks buying merchandise!

Wait…did I mentally sing that line? I mean, it sounds strangely familiar…like the theme song of a TV show or something…

But anywho, everyone's buying pony merchandise at Hot Topic, and the Goth Kids look more pissed off each day. For guys who rarely show emotion, and mope a lot, that's something. At first, I thought it was a relief, that at least some people weren't getting swept up in all of this. That is until…

"Like, Princess Luna, she like, totally gets us"

"Yeah…Burdened to a thousand years of solitude among the dust of the moon"

"That's deep"

"Totally deep"

"Her preppy sister Celestia is like, a total ass. I mean, like, eternal darkness would be, like, a form of light in my cruel existence"

"Deep stuff…"

"Yeah.."

You guys get the picture. Even the Goth Kids like My Little Pony. The guys who are mopey, gloomy, dark pessimists, like happy optimistic pastel talking ponies.

Am I the only one who doesn't actually like the show?

I mean, the animation is pretty good, and the plot's fine, and I don't really have anything against the show, don't get me wrong, but for fuck's sake, it's a show for five year old girls!

Ok, I probably sound like a dick for labelling things with age groups, and I shouldn't be surprised, but how did this take off? Hey, watch what you want. I can't stop people from watching what they want. Free country, right?

What does somewhat piss me off though, is the fanbase. I mean, I'll admit they have a pretty fucking talented fanbase. They've made music, fan-art and even their own fan-made episodes. There are some cool people who like the show, I mean, even Stan and Kenny like it.

Then, there are the assholes who flip fucking shit when you simply say you don't like it. They need to grow the fuck up and get a Doctor to surgically remove the stick from their anus. Not everyone likes everything, and you have to be pretty immature if you act like a little bitch just because someone else doesn't really like it. It sucks ass that there are a lot of them around.

Then there's Fatass. Insults are like are form of communication, and I'm pretty used to being called 'the sneaky Jew rat', but this one really takes the cake. That asshole will take the cake anyway. Because he's a goddamn bastard. So, here we go.

"Kahl, you're a faggy, day-walking, dick-loving, anti-friendship, jerky, Jewish, Christ-killing, country-hating, secretly-an-Asian-terrorist, pony-hating, Stan's bitch, Family-Guy loving, hippy, Jewish, space-wasting, Kosher-eating, bacon-hating, spitting-on-our-flag, Jewish-y Jew-face!"

Then he passed out from not taking any breaths between that. We poked him with a stick, laughed a bit, then left him for the Pedo-bunny. Still, I think the pedo-bunny has some sense not to touch that Fatass. Not even a Pedo-bunny could be that desperate.

Not to mention that he's been attempting to 'convert me to the herd to please Celestia'. He's sang the theme song (Horribly out of tune), threw plastic ponies (Then apologised for hurting them) and drew 'cutie marks' all over my books. Cutie marks? Really?

Anywho, to wrap it up, no offence to bronies, but the show isn't for me. No thanks. I'm just hoping this fad blows over without me having to deal with crab-people…or pony-people.

**A/N: This rant just so happens to tie in with 'It Came From The Internet', another one of my fics. Check it out if you want to see more of Kyle's view on bronies…or if you're bored…or something…**

**Thanks again, anonymous reviewers! A thanks to the favouriters and followers who haven't reviewed as well! I get so used to thanking reviews via PM, that I sometimes forget about all the others!**

**Anywho, to Mysterion, thanks for leaving your reviews, on practically all my stories! Crash Bandicoot, hell yeah! I personally prefer not to give out my age, as because it says on my profile, I like to create a sense of mystery. I can assure you though, that I am older than 13. Sorry for my awkwardness.**

**Yep. Awkwardness is a word according to Microsoft Word too.**


	32. That Kid and BOTDF

I know I've already ranted about music, but fuck that, I'll do it again. Because what I've heard cannot be… un-heard. Microsoft Word accepts it if you hyphenate it, because Microsoft Word needs to read a goddamn dictionary. Seriously Word, you accept words like blamestorming. Yes, they actually added that to the dictionary. Y'know what else they added to the dictionary? Muggle, cyberslacking and Frankenfood. Microsoft Word is becoming a running gag, huh?

I mean, I can't help it. It just…happens. It's like when something happens in a TV show, and a character, or maybe two of them, say the exact same lines, sometimes a little different to mix things up.

Man, I had the weirdest sense of déjà vu.

But, let me explain the story. The whole 'Kyle explaining the story' is really becoming something, huh? Yep, another running gag. Let's see how much I can use it before it gets boring.

So, last night, I was at home with Dad. Mom and Ike were at one of Mom's friends, and I did feel a little sorry for Ike, because when he was dragged to Mom's friend's house, he always ended up watching several hours of Beavis and Butthead, and come home twitching and randomly singing Metallica. Sometimes, he has to watch Dora the Explorer. He still comes home twitching, but keeps singing 'Vamonos! Everybody let's go!' and speaking random Spanish.

Well, Dad got a call last night. I didn't really take much notice, until he started yelling 'OH CRAP!', like I couldn't hear him. After that, he nearly threw the phone, and dragged me to the car.

"Dad, what happened? Where are we going?"

"An important issue has been called up and I can't leave you alone"

"I'll be fine"

"No Kyle. Either come with me, or stay with your mother"

The idea of watching either Beavis and Butthead or Dora terrified me to an extent where I had to race to the car and seatbelt myself in to save myself from that torture.

When Dad got to the Town Hall, he locked the car and left me in it with the radio on. It was ok, mainly because I actually had some time by myself to really think. You know, about life, death, and a State bigger than Cartman's ass. Not that I'd particularly enjoy thinking of the last one.

Here's the thing – A song came onto the radio; a song by Blood on the Dance Floor. I only acknowledged the radio as background noise, until I heard the lyrics.

_Got a monster in my pants  
And if ya ever get the chance,  
Gonna cram it down your throat  
Watch you gasp for air and choke!_

At this point, I was wondering what fuckery I was listening to. For some reason, I couldn't stop listening.

I'm gonna jizz all in your face  
Gonna wreck this fucking place  
Pull my hair, smash the chair  
Break the bed and give me head!

I was wondering, why the fuck would they play that shit on public radio? It was at this point did I actually check the time. 12:06am, the time where the radio hosts are practically dead and fill the night with shitty music.

Then, the next set of lyrics happened to be a 'screamo'. You know, where they scream the lyrics? Not my thing, I think it wrecks your vocal chords, but hey, if you can scream a song and not lose your voice, then congratulations.

_Let's get this party started  
Drink, til we get retarded  
She lick me like an ice-cream…_

Finally, the song ended, leaving me to wonder how the fuck they were able to air that.

'Ok guyyyyss, so, that's song number 1 in our Blood on the Dance Floor midnight to morning marathoooonn!'

Fuck, even the host sucked ass, with her annoying voice and her tendency to drag words out. I have no idea what she looked like, but a nasty orange tan and neon pink lipstick springs to mind.

Not long after the next song, I decided that I could not stand the band, and tried to change the station, but the button did nothing. I kept pressing that button, and all the buttons, but the only thing that happened was the music got louder, and I couldn't turn it down.

It got to the stage where I had to violently whack it to try and stop it, but that just fucked the radio up, and I had to keep listening to it. I deeply regret not bringing my iPod, or earplugs, or even a form of food to stick in my ears and drown out the noise.

The songs kept coming, and never in my life have I wanted to smash the window and jump out so badly. The constant message of violence, drinking, clubbing and most prominently, sex, kept showing up. I think at one point my ears almost bled, and I tasted bile.

It seemed like the kind of music Kenny would listen to. I really should ask him…

But yes, I realized that a week of watching non-stop Dora would probably be less painful that what I was enduring. When Dad _finally _came back, he apologised for taking so long, and asked me to turn the music off.

But we couldn't.

Not just because the radio was broken, but because I was spazzing like I had been raped. I felt like I had been. Like all the innocence, that I don't even have, but felt like I had, shattered. I know I loved Uncle-Fucka and many more songs like that, but oh God why…

It was like the music raped my ear. It was many decibels too loud, not to mention the words 'fucking' and 'cream' and 'dick' keep repeating itself like a god-awful, poorly written FanFic.

Dad and I went home with that shit blaring, and we sat in the most awkward of situtations, until we got home and Dad smashed the radio with a wrench until it finally died, and we were free from all the fucking, and the cream, and the licking, and the sex.

Fuck, I think it's possibly given me Sexual Tourettes. All I can think of is sexually related words. Oh mother-licker. See? This is what happens after two hours of being trapped in that car.

Then later, I checked it out on YouTube, to see if any others had suffered like I had, only to find that twelve year old girls found it inspirational, and that it had saved their lives. How does endless fucking save your life? Giving you hopes of becoming a prostitute?

I mean, we're all free to like whatever we want, but like some immature bronies, these fans need to grow up if they're going to listen to that. Telling someone to kill themselves just for disliking something is stupid! I mean, geez, I fucking hate Fatass, but I don't think I have it in me to be such a dick as to actually tell him to kill himself, despite the times I desperately wish he would.

So, there's the story for this week. Remember, if you are locked in a car and the radio breaks and awful songs keep playing until you lose your sanity, always keep a wrench close by! It could save your ears from unnecessary damage!

**Long-ass Author's Note! Beware!**

**Firstly, I don't have anything against this band, other than how 12 year olds find it life-saving and inspirational. That confuses me. Still, everyone has the right to listen to what they want. Please, don't break my knee-caps with a wrench for this, I'm only thinking of how Kyle would react, as this is South Park, and it is meant to be offensive and rip off celebrities. **

**Wow! The amount of Guest reviews are really heaping up, so I'll reply to some of them here!**

**24601- Sorry! I try not to offend or piss off people in my rants, but I guess I sort of failed. Hope you don't hate me too much for that subject! Also, I hope you feel better getting that rant out of your system! I always feel a little better after a rant!**

**Guest – Actually, when Kenny sacrificed himself at the end, he brought back everyone who died in the war, so that includes the Mole! He appears in a talk show in some episode, according to the South Park Wikia. But yay, ze Mole is not dead! Well, he was, in a way.**

**AnimeFever3- Yay! Thank you, I feel super special now!**

**Mysterion – Woo! Thank you! Be proud of your South Park fan-ism! BE PROUD! As for the Coon and Friend's fic, that sounds like an awesome idea! As soon as inspiration hits me, I'll write it!**

**Guest – Hey there! OC stands for Original Character. In other words, a made-up character that does not belong to the actual series. Thanks for dropping a review!**

**abbyj2201 – Hey abby! Your review really made me think quite a bit, which is really something, since I read it at 7am, so for my brain to work enough to think is quite something!**

**Anywho, I can understand what you mean. Let me explain how I try and characterize Kylie-boo. Firstly, when ranting, I listen to some of Kyle's quotes. I usually get the pissed off attitude from them. **

**I'll admit, Kyle can be somewhat pissy in these, but in Kyle's Rants: The Novel (A side story I'm working on, but haven't updated in ages), it explains the events before each rant, so that the rant is the end product of a day filled with annoyances. Kind of like when you've had a bad day, and you just want to go home and rant to get it off your chest. I do try to do things in a Kyle-ish way, by using logic to try and calm things down.**

**In this, I like to think they're a little older, due to some of the themes that will come in future rants. That's probably why he's not acting as much as like a 10 year old should. Angry teenage hormones kicking him in the face really help with that.**

**Lastly, as in Kyle's Rants: The Novel, Kyle discovers FanFiction by mistake. Imagine how you would react to having your whole life filmed behind your back, and people worldwide pairing you with your best friends, writing stories of the two of you doing things that make you shudder at the thought of them. You'd probably be annoyed, or paranoid, or just plain weirded out. In other words, you'd maybe start acting a little differently, and not as much as yourself, realising nearly your whole life was a lie, or something like that.**

**As for the 'swearing like a hipster teen', that made me laugh! Sorry Kylie, I guess I took your mega-swear from Season 1 (At least I think it was season 1…), and have mixed it with my own swears and blown it out of proportion! I've kept the weird swears there as this is purely for comedy, and it makes people laugh. That's the whole point of all this, just some fun!**

**Holy crap, that is the longest reply I've ever written. In other words, thanks for sticking with me, and reading this, even if you don't like how Kyle is portrayed. I also appreciate the constructive criticism! Thanks abby! I hope I explained this a little better for you!**

**Okie-dokie, that's quite a few replies! Thank you guys for your constant support!**

**-Cookie**


	33. That Kid and the Coon

Fuck…this is probably, if not the most humiliating and embarrassing thing I have ever gone through. Let's just say, right now…I'm stuck in a closet wearing…a pink dress.

DON'T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS! Just don't…I swear, how the fuck do I always end up in the goddamn closet? And not in that sense! I am inside a closet, literally, not figuratively! And no, by saying that, I do not mean that I have already came out of the closet, because I was never in the closet to begin with!

…And now I've confused myself.

So, you're probably thinking a few things, like _'So Kyle, why are you in there and why are you wearing such garments?'_ or _'Man, I want pictures!'_ or maybe something like _'Fuck what he says, I know Kyle secretly does love fondling scrotum!'._

If your thoughts were the last one, no, Goddamnit, I don't like 'fondling scrotum', no matter what shit that Fatass says. Just don't listen to him, ok? Even if he chases after you screaming about how the fate of the world depends on it, don't listen to him. Just keep running, because he won't be able to catch up.

But, if you thought the first one, I'll explain now. You remember Coon and Friends? I mean, who doesn't? That was some crazy shit. I think the only real good that came out of that was Justin Bieber getting his head squished by Cthulu. I'll never understand how they revived him…

Well, Fatass decided it would be a great idea to ask Damien to set fire to Denver, blame it on the Koreans who, as he believes, caused the Boston and Texas bombings, and save the day to get credit.

I swear…He is such an inconsiderate asshole. He's using current events to try and win himself free Cheesy Poofs. And why does he blame it on the Koreans? Well, he figured that firstly, with the whole nuke thing, it would make sense, and because they're Asian.

You'd really think I'm used to his racist, ass-faced opinions by now. They still surprise me.

Of course, when he asked Damien, he was turned down, because he didn't want to burn shit if the Fatass was getting all the credit. So, what next? I mean, that asshole always comes up with something.

Anyway, earlier at lunch, he began this conversation just after explaining his plans on re-assembling Coon and Friends.

It goes something like this-

"Hey, hey gahs, I was gonna make a gay joke, buttfuck it!"

"That's not original Fatass. Screw you"

"Up the ass Kahl? Would you like to screw me up the ass, huh Kahl?"

"I swear...You're a dick"

"Your favourite flavour of lolly, right Kahl"

"Fuck you Fatass"

"What was that Kahl? I want to fuck you? Was that what you said now Kahl?"

I've been working on my accuracy, and I was pretty proud when that dreidel hit him right in between his eyes. Didn't even see it coming.

So, back to how I ended up here. If you're wondering how I'm typing this, I'm actually writing all this in an e-Mail to send to _she-who-shall-not-be-mentioned_.

Before his stupid gay jokes, he wanted us all to get back in our old costumes and back him up. Of course, we all told him 'fuck no'. Especially Kenny…

But of course, Fatass wasn't finished yet. After I dreidel-smacked him, he still went on.

"But Kahl, I even got this whole fresh new look for you! Come on Kahl!"

"No dick-face. I bet you five bucks it's something stupid and degrading"

"Really now, Kahl? Come check it out and I'll prove you are wrong"

For reasons I still don't understand, I went…and that's how I got shoved in the closet. I really should've taken Stan with me, but then Fatass would trap him in here too, and then, gay jokes for a week. Woop-de-doo.

Then, the bastard threw this fucking dress on me. The problem is, my arms aren't through the armholes and I'm stuck in the dress. It's a miracle I'm even typing this. I've tried ripping it, but fucking hell, it's as if the thing is made of titanium.

Wait- someone's coming. I'll have to explain myself, which should be fun. I'll end this here.

-This-is-a-line-

Hey! It's me again! So, it turns out it was Kenny who saved my ass, and he was dressed in his old Mysterion shit. I'm surprised he still has that stuff.

We got a bus to Denver, which of course, was slightly awkward, as Kenny more or less dragged me through the halls saying only that we had to save Denver. That leads to the two of us, along with Stan on the bus, with Kenny dressed up as Mysterion, me stuck in this goddamn dress, and Stan trying to cut it off with safety scissors. Yes, safety scissors.

Once we got to Denver, we found Fatass, dressed as the Coon, but unlike Kenny, his costume was bursting at the seams.

So, what did he do? Well, since he couldn't get his hands on some gasoline, he decided to buy a shit ton of burritos. What did he plan to do with said Mexican food? He thought, that if he ate them, he'd crap fire. He didn't even question the thought of incinerating his anal passage in the process.

Of course, I didn't comment on that, because the asshole deserved all the pain of a flaming anus.

When he ate the burritos, he crapped…but it wasn't fire. Just shit. Then he passed out from the pain in his ass. This is pretty damn ironic, because of the conversation we had earlier, about the gay jokes.

We thought everything was fine. Cartman was passed out in a pile of his own faeces, Denver was ok, and the Fatass hadn't claimed glory and a pile off Cheesy Poofs. Everything's great, right? Wrong.

One minute, we were standing there, unsure of what to do next, and then the next moment, we're tripped up, face-planting the ground and stuck under a fishing net.

"Ahahaha! T-thought you get away that easily! Well-well you're wrong! Haha!" It was Butters wearing his goddamn Professor Chaos costume. _Butters._

"Ya see, we gotta burn this place up, to prove my evil-ness!"

"Uh, Butters? Evil-ness isn't a word"

"Shut up Stan! And I am not Butters, I am Professor Chaos!"

"Well, actually Stan, according to Microsoft Word, evilness is a word"

"Oh…cool."

Then, shit gets real. Yes, shit gets more real than evilness being a real word.

"This fool thought burritos could burn this place down! Foolish weakling!"

Then, he pulls out a _freaking flamethrower_. Butters, the quiet little kid who loves Hello Kitty, has a motherfucking flamethrower! You have no idea how badass that flamethrower would've looked if it wasn't covered in Hello Kitty stickers.

So, what happens next? Keep reading then, I'm not just going to sum it all up in a sentence.

Kenny, Stan and I are trapped in a goddamn fishing net,dying from the stench of Cartman's waste matter, Fatass is passed out in shit, and Butters has a motherfucking flamethrower. What the fuck is going on? If you don't know what's going on, then re-read that last sentence that sums up exactly what's happened so far then. Just testing.

It felt as if all hope was lost for Denver. Then, all of a sudden-

"AY! BUTTERS! GODAMMNIT! It's my plan, get your own!" Fatass somehow woke up, and threw his own shit at Butters. Despite the fact that Butters went into his physco mode and nearly killed us and Denver, I still feel sorry for the kid.

So, how did all this shit end? Well, Butters and Fatass were still having a fight about who was the evillest and deserved to burn Denver, whilst we escaped with the help of safety scissors. Kenny decided to stay behind to make sure things didn't get out of hand. I'm guessing since there are no headlines of Denver on fire that he succeeded.

So, once again, Stan's safety scissors saved the day, Denver's not burnt, I'm not stuck in a closet wearing a dress, and everything's back to normal.

Or at least as normal as it gets here. Still, something gives me a feeling Fatass will be up to something sooner or later.

Wait a minute…

…Was that even a rant? Never mind, I'll make it up next week.

**A/N: Well…That was probably not my best, but I'll let you be the judges of that.**

**Guest review reply time!**

**24601 – Yep, I'm Irish! As for the Thatcher thing, well, that's definitely something, right? Thanks for reviewing!**

**Mysterion – I FREAKIN' ADORE THE CARAMELLDANSEN! I have about five different versions of it on my iPod! Sorry this 'rant' probably wasn't that great, but it's more or less a warm-up for the CAF fic. Don't worry, I'll make sure there's no Yaoi! I do happen to be a fan of that kind of thing, but I know most people who don't like it are probably sick of reading fics with it, huh? But being kicked out of Science? Jeez, that's nuts! Oh well, more time to think of SP rather than cloning, right?**

**Guest- You're welcome! I always try to respond to reviews to show my appreciation! Also, thank you for your praise! **

**As some of you may know, I have (yet another) poll up about what fic I should write during summer, when I have more free time. Check that out, if you want to!**

**-Cookie**


	34. That Kid and Cereal

Sorry guys. I know, last week was really just me talking about shit. It was only the day after did it really hit me. Y'know, how a kid wearing underpants over tights can casually sit on a bus along with…the incident involving a dress that shall remain unspoken.

Well, now I really have some shit to rant about, before I actually get back to the topic I originally started ranting here for.

Like all other things, it's Fuck-face's fault. Look at that beautiful alliteration. So, you're probably like Principal Victoria when Fuck-face is sent to her office. You know, the whole _'Sigh, so what is it this time?' _thing.

Well, have you ever had a craving? When all of a sudden, you want a particular food for no reason, even if you don't like it? Like a sudden desire for Marshmallow Fluff and Nutella in the middle of Maths?

Fat-fuck had one of them, for Froot Loops. Yep, cereal. Now, we're going to imagine a harp sound and the screen rippling as we look off into the distance for a flashback like they have in TV.

"HOLY BALLS! I NEED ME SOME FROOT LOOPS!"

"Eric! Sit your ass down right now!

"Godammnit! I need some goddamn Froot Loops!"

"Well too bad Eric. Now get off the table before you break it"

"Mr Garrison, sir, are you trying to say something about my weight? For I shall let you know, I am big-boned!"

"Well what if I was?"

"MEEEEEEEEMM! MEEEEEEEEEEM!"

And now, stop staring dramatically into the distance and snap back to reality. You get the idea. So, after school, what happens? He goes to the store to try and buy the Froot Loops.

Then what? Well, he got the Froot Loops and enjoyed them contentedly.

If you seriously believed that shit, you are an idiot. What kind of ending would that be? In fact, there were no more. That Fatass went to every store around, even Walmart, but there were no Froot Loops. We only found out later that they'd temporarily stopped putting Froot Loops on sale due to the discovery that they were putting real fruit into the Froot Loops. Why the fuck would you put fruit into a fruit flavoured cereal?

Then what? This is where the shit goes down. You see, Fatass had found out that the British make Froot Loops, so he ordered a shit ton online.

Then he got the stuff and was immensely pleased. If you fell for that again, you are double the idiot. That's also a shit ending.

I woke up this morning, only to discover my entire room was flooded with Froot Loops. Cereal, everywhere. Not an inch of my room was clear of its cereal-ness. Then, it started moving. I figured it was Ike, who had somehow got caught under the Sea of Cereal, and it turns out it was.

Please, for fuck's sake, don't tell me anyone fell for that. I mean, this is the third time I've done this. Ok, I'll stop now.

Nope, it was Fatass. Cue harp, rippled screen and dramatic stare into the distance for the flashback to commence.

"GAWDAMMNIT, KAHL! The fuck you do to my fuckin' Froot Loops!"

"Fatass, I didn't touch your stupid cereal. Now get out of my house and bring your cereal with you"

"No Kahl! I know it was you, you scheming Jew! You did something to my Froot Loops! And you stole the red, blue and yellow ones! THIS SHIT AIN'T COLOURFUL ENOUGH!"

"I don't know. Now fuck off please"

"C'MON KAHL! MY CAT SHITS BETTER STUFF THAN THIS!"

"Fine! I'll try it!"

So, I did. I waded through the Froot Loops, went downstairs, filled a bowl with milk and then scooped some cereal into it. Then I ate some.

"See? Not so ba-HOLY FUCK! DID SOMETHING DIE IN THAT?"

I will rarely agree with that dick, but I think we can agree that those were the worst tasting Froot Loops ever created in history.

I can't even begin to describe them. It was like someone had pissed in them, and then added some cat hairs and fed it to a dog, and then took the dog's shit and re-coloured it to look like Froot Loops.

As it happens, with food regulations and all that over there, they can't have the same ingredients, but fuck, you'd think they'd taste test the shit before they put it in a box and call them Froot Loops! More like Foot Lice. Yes, I know that pun sucked.

You know what else sucks? That goddamn Trix bunny. Trix isn't even that great, and yet that goddamn rabbit spends more or less his entire life trying to get that shit. Why not put your ideas into something better, like, I don't know, caviar!

Caviar probably doesn't even taste that great either, but just imagine those kids faces when you say 'Silly kids, caviar is for rich people!'

Actually, screw that, why not just grab the freakin' cereal and say 'Screw you, I want this cereal, and I'm going to eat this goddamn cereal and enjoy it'. I mean, he did get the freakin' stuff anyway, but still, it's just cereal!

Fuck that rabbit, with his fucking Trix.

We're not even going to get started on Lucky Charms, because 'she who shall not be mentioned' will start bitching again. Hey Trix? Want a fresh, new mascot? Take a crazy girl whose main goal is to get foreign cereal. Think about it.

Those fucking kids. _'Silly rabbit, Trix is for kids!'_

What? So adults can't eat it? Or old people? Or teens? Are you being ageist, you little shits? I mean, why tease a rabbit? Ignoring the fact that it can talk and all that, why not give it some fucking cereal to shut it up? Teasing animals like that will only get PETA bashing your windows in and telling you to leave the fucking rabbit alone.

And what about Cap'n Crunch? He's getting his own fucking late night talk show. I'm not fucking with you. Seriously. Just…you know, that's cool for him. Way to go, cereal mascot. Let's see how long this will last for.

Wait…did I just rant about…cereal?

I mean, I was just going to say that British Froot Loops suck ass…but hey, I guess it just…continued. As for the Froot Loops, we gave them to the hobos.

…I don't think even they want them.

**A/N: Well…Cereal. Huh. Anywho, the pairing rants will be starting soon! Awesome, right? AND HOLY BALLS, OVER 300 REVIEWS? Damn skippy! **

**24601: Well, Kenny is Kenny, and Kenny certainly is badass! Taking a bus to Denver in your pants is probably somewhat legit, right? Then again, it's South Park, so nothing really has to make sense! The joys of writing random nonsense! Anywho, thanks again!**

**IFuckingAgree: CONGRATULATIONS! You're the 300****th**** reviewer! Fire up the confetti cannon! I totally agree with everything you said! It's sad standing at your bus stop with a bunch of 13 year olds smoking and making out…Why humanity, why?!**

**Mysterion: YAY! Isn't it? I have a feeling of dragging it out into a –dramatic pause- MULTI-CHAPTER! But thank you! I feel all special! Heck, if I were in CAF, I'd be Lucky Charms. Yes, I fuck with you not. I'd have marshmallow powers! AND I'D NEVER PAY EXPSENSIVE FEES FOR CEREAL EVER AGAIN!**

**Ah, that would be the life…**

**Well, that's me for another week.**

**-Cookie**


	35. That Kid and Cryle

There are still fucking Froot Loops in my room. And fuck, the smell. It took a whole can of 'Tropical Breeze' to get that stench out. Who knew that disgusting cereal could rot so quickly?

Well, I was meant to do this ages ago. In fact, this is probably the whole reason I started this shit. I guess I put it off for a while to build suspense, or something like that.

Well, I think that's enough suspense. Too much suspense can kill a person.

The wait is over, because fuck waiting.

The 'pairing' rants are here.

No they're not, idiot. I was just testing to see if you'd fall for it again. I'm sorry, I was only using that one just one last time to see if it worked. Maybe it did, maybe it didn't. I can't read your mind.

In all seriousness, the 'pairing' rants really are here, just to clarify that.

So, pairings…shippings…typically-two-guys-together-ing s…  
Yeah…

I mean, the names for these things! Most sound like godawful names a drunk mother and high father would give to their child. Or a mother who wants to punish her child for the agonizing months by cursing with a nasty ass name.

Like Cryle. You'd have to hate your kid to call them that. Or just be 'creative'. There is a difference to a creative name and a horrible one. Then there's celebrity names, like Blanket and Blue.

…and then there's Tweek. I mean, his name is pretty fitting, but not the everyday thing you'd expect. I don't think his parents hate him…but hey, I don't know. Let's change the subject.

But yes, if you've guessed right, this is about Cryle. Fuck, even the name sounds just…weird. But the name isn't what this is about. It's the people. Yep, me and Craig.

In my ever so pleasant time viewing the content on this site, I've figured people usually have a least one thing in common. Then sometimes, they just don't. They're just two random people, squished together and told to…make out. Girls, guys, brothers, people don't tend to give two fucks.

Real nice.

But Craig? Do you really think I'd even think about liking Craig like that? Fuck no! He has a tendency to be a bit of a dick, and one thing for sure, he broke the stereotype that gay people are weak pansies.

Remember the gay fad? Remember what that asshole did to me just for having a fucking opinion? For not wanting to follow common society's rules?

He beat the fucking shit out of me, that motherfucker. Holding grudges is never a good thing, but for fuck's sake, can I really just brush that off so easily?

It's not like I was parading around, burning a rainbow flag and holding a 'Nay to gays' sign! It's not like I personally insulted him for his fashion sense! I just didn't want to be the same and he fucking did that to me for having a goddamn opinion!

Fuck, now I've gone and pissed myself off. Great.

This is why I fucking hate fads. Because some assholes be bitchy when you don't like the same shit as them. Fuck that shit.

And the whole 'giant guinea pig invasion', or whatever the fuck that was? He just kept calling us assholes! Firstly, it was Fatass' idea in the first place, and he didn't have to be so pessimistic about the whole thing! We were only trying to make light of the situation!

So, why the hell do you suddenly decide to pair us together? Why?

Don't give the whole 'mis-understanding romantic feelings for violence' and shit, because if you really gave a damn about someone, you wouldn't get everyone to beat the fucking shit out of them!

If he even was gay, which he probably isn't, it would probably be someone from his gang anyway, like Tweek or someone. Not me.

As for that, save it for another day.

Ugh, fuck. Digging through old memories reminds you how much you want to kick a guy in the balls sometimes.

Screw that.

Just…screw it.

Craig and me? I don't see it ever happening. I'm sounding like a pessimistic dick (like someone else I know), but I'm still pissed off at him, and you know what? I just gotta throw some dreidels at a certain Fatass to relieve stress.

It's amazing how many dreidels I still have left…

**A/N: And so begins the Pairing rants! And what's this? An early update? Yes, because Cookie's being dragged off on a holiday she would gladly pay to get out of, and I'd feel like a dick for not updating before I leave to the Land of no Internet, and most likely go insane.**

**Sorry guys if I've crushed your pairing, but these are Kylie-boo's opinions, not mine. And trust me, we haven't even got to the more serious ones yet.**

**Now, onto Guest reviews!**

**24601: That could definitely be quite an interesting side story indeed! Who knows what mysteries lay beneath the Sea of Cereal?**

**Guest: Thank you, good Sir/Mam! As a matter of fact, in my profile, in the Future stories section, there are Kenny's Rants and Cartman's Rants! Of course, it will be quite a while until I start them!**

**Toxic: Thank you! I know the awesome feeling, of just lying about reading Fanfics on a sick day. Definitely in my top ten best-feelings-ever, right next to a lie-on on a school day, and when your cat starts rubbing against your leg.**

**But I glad you like my stuff! Comedy's what I do best (apparently)!**

**Mysterion: HOLY FUCK IN A BUCKET! People can be pretty idiotic, huh? But in all seriousness, that's insane! A girl hurt her finger by whacking it on a table, and everyone fussed over her and she missed the lesson! And that's nothing!**

**Sadly, I don't have a 3DS or Fire Emblem Awakening. I decided to give up on Nintendo when they released a new model every damn time I got the previously new one.**

**However, there is something I do have! Pancake batter. **

**Guest: Thanks! I try to make them as appropriate as possible!**

**-Cookie**


	36. That Kid and K2

And the Pairing rants continue! With one named K2.

Read that out. It rhymes. I just figured I'd point that out, you know, for the sake of poetry and whatnot.

So, how about I get this message out simply with a nice little haiku, huh?

_I am not gay, guys  
Guys aren't really my thing  
I'm serious, guys_

Okay, I'll admit, that sucked ass. Mainly because I couldn't get the syllables right and guys seemed like the only appropriate thing to use. Screw that. Let's just get to the point.

K2. Because Kyle and Kenny just don't mix. I'm talking about our names, but yes, we don't really mix in that way. I mean, Kenny's cool and all, and he's on my side when it comes to kicking Fatass in the balls, but…just…no.

I mean, what is it with you guys and making two friends make out in a random closet!? That's how most of these things go.

"Oh my god, I like, really fucking love you"

"Holy shit, no way!"

"I'm sorry!"

"No! I loved you too!"

"Holy fuck, really?"

"Fuck yes! Let's make out now!"

And of course, the idea of them both being guys is completely skipped over. Don't you think, oh, I don't know, they'd wait a bit before shoving their tongues down each other's throats?!

I don't really read romance, but when it comes to Stan and Wendy, I'm more or less his fucking relationship counsellor. Don't even turn that against me. Don't. Wait until _that_ rant comes out, for shit shall be shat…or said.

Come on, anyone can tell real relationships don't work like that! Jesus fucking Christ! You wait, Goddamnit! If you rush it, you'll crash into a tree. You'll crash into a fucking tree and die.

Or something along those lines.

Back to…K2. That rhymed again. Seriously, read it out loud, and tell me I'm not a natural rhymer.

There are a shit ton of stupid reasons we're…shipped…together. Shipped? Like a boat? I don't get it. Like a 'boat of love'? Because that sounds cornier than the feet of Corny Bertha who lives round Kenny's place. They say she's in a wheelchair, because if she stood up, her corns would explode everywhere from her weight.

Nasty…

Again, back to the 'shipping'. Ship…Shiiiip….Sh-iiiip.

I still don't get it.

OH WAIT! Relation_ship_! Now I get it! Everything makes sense! Except how Fatass' arteries aren't totally clogged by now. Still don't get that…

But yes, the reasons we're 'shipped' are usually pretty damn stupid. Stupider than Fatass' latest plan to get Cheesy Poofs. He seriously believes that if he dresses as a giant Cheesy Poof, and hides in the factory with all the others, that he'll be famed as 'the Largest Cheesy Poof ever', put into a Cheesy Poof museum, and then eat all the Cheesy Poofs at night when the museum closes.

Fucking idiot.

And I strayed off again. So, what are these stupid reasons? One of them is because we both wear orange coats. I fuck you not. What was going through the mind of whoever thought that? That matching outfits are cute?

It's like saying Stan should date Fatass just because Stan wears a brown coat and Fatass wears (extremely large, might I add) brown pants. OH HEY, THEY WEAR BROWN! THEY MATCH! LET'S SHIP IT!

Oh sweet Mother of Jehovah….WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

I can't that picture out of my head. Fatass and Stan….HE'D FUCKING CRUSH HIM! Oh-God, Oh-God, Oh-God, Oh-God, OH GOD!

No. No. NOPE.

THIS ISN'T EVEN ABOUT THAT!

WHY WOULD I EVEN?

FUCK, A CRUMB GOT STUCK UNDER MY CAPS LOCK. I CAN'T TURN IT OFF. WAIT, I'LL JUST PICK IT OUT.

JUST A MINUTE.

. Back to the whole fucking point of this. Other reasons? Just because Stan is taken with Wendy, or some crap.

"OH HEY, STAN'S DATIN' THAT CHICK WENDY! AND KYLE SURE DOES HATE CARTMAN! MAN, I GUESS I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO THROW HIM IN A LOCKED ROOM WITH KENNY AND SOME VIAGRA AND WAIT FOR RESULTS!"

Yep. The thoughts of whoever thought of that, clearly.

Other reasons? Because Kenny's a 'bad boy' and I'm 'innocent'.

Innocent? I'VE FUCKING KILLED PEOPLE! I mean, Jesus did say it was the only way to save Stan and the others, and he was ok with it and all, and those zombies were gonna kill everyone if I didn't get them, so really, it's not like I was doing it for bad reasons.

What else have I done? I've read, seen and witness such horrifying acts between myself and others that has robbed me of any shred of innocence I had left.

I'M NOT AN INNOCENT FUCKING PANSY! Sorry, Caps Lock got stuck again.

And then there's Ken. That rhymed too. I'm on a rhyming roll today! He wants to be a princess. With a pink dress. That rhymed too. See? On a roll! I mean, his Mysterion thing was pretty badass, but a princess?

Really? _Really?_

Yes, apparently.

And who else? I've heard of certain people called _Courtanie_ and _azngirlLH_. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY MASCULINITY? Goddamnit Caps Lock. But really, I've heard a shit load of things about these guys and 'K2'.

And…

I…

Ah, yes, right on cue. Fatass is at my goddamn window again. Hold on, let me get my dreidels. This shouldn't take long.

…Yep, there we go. Running back to his 'meeeeem'.

But really, what is it with turning friends into lovers? If that happened all the time….Geez, the love triangles, squares, pentagons, hexagons, septagons, octagons, ninagons, decagons….would be endless.

Yeah, I got a little carried away with my polygons.

But really? Ken and me? It has more sense than Cryle…but still, really? Then again, there are worse. So much worse…

Some horrifying things…That cannot be unseen…

**A/N: Well, firstly, if you like K2 and you haven't heard of Courtanie or azngirlLH, look them up right now! Courtanie is a really talented writer, and has some pretty good stuff, and azngirlLH does amazing fanarts! Of course, there are a ton of talented fanartists, but if K2's down your alley and you haven't gone to her, GO NOW! GO MY PRETTIES, FLY!**

**Guest Reviews!**

**24601: Of course! I reply to all reviews, mainly Guest ones here for obvious reasons. But geez, that sucks! If I ever do a competition (although I usually do requests if I'm asked), Guests will definitely be allowed!**

**Glad to see your looking forward to the future rants series! I'm hoping I won't fuck it up!**

**Lwuzhere: Thank you! I'm glad you like this randomosity. Yep, I created that word and Microsoft Word doesn't approve. Goddamnit, Word.**

**Mysterion: WOO! ANIME! I know the feel, of having an awesome Mum like that. Mum. Mom. I don't know, I just like to compare the two words and laugh, because they're a freaking tongue twister.**

**Dance unit? Funny enough, we just finished that! We had little choice though, and had to choreograph for Katy Perry's Firework. But hey, it could've been worse, like Bieber or One Direction.**

**YOU COSPLAY AS JAPAN? AND HAVE A FRIEND WHO COSPLAYS AS RUSSIA? FUCK YEAH! That sounds…so…awesome! My friends are planning on going to a Con in a few years, one of my friends being Hans Gunsche from Hellsing, and me likely being a Hetalia character.**

**HURRAY FOR JAPAN LOGIC! I remember that episode perfectly!**

**And now, it's the part of the rant where I shut the fuck up.**

**Thanks for reading and reviewing!**

**-Cookie**


	37. That Kid and Creek

What time is it? Well, it's not summertime, sorry to disappoint High School Musical cast. It isn't Hammertime either. Nope. It's ranting time.

So, what pairing have I strolled across and became slightly traumatized by? This time, it isn't one with me, thank God. Nope, this one involves everyone's favourite spazzy coffee addict and Mr. Flip-you-off.

And it's called Creek. Fucking Creek. Like Lover's Creek, or Crocodile Creek. Or that horrifying and dramatic creak when a door opens in a horror movie and everyone freaks the fuck out.

You know, I probably should've mentioned this last time, but Craig probably has the emotional capacity of…of…

..uh…Wait, lemme think.

A rock? I mean…it's just kinda…meh.

Anyways, then there's Tweek. That kid has the emotional capacity of a teenage girl who just got dumped while it's 'her time of the month', and her cat just died, and she has a test the next day. In simpler terms, lock a starving cat in a room with a piece of fish, with some other cats, lock the door, and the noises you should hear should be somewhat equal.

Or, maybe Kenny and Fatass locked in the same room with the last poptart in the middle. I'd be rooting for Kenny, but Fatass might crush him like a charging rhino.

Well, really, they're total opposites. This is the part where you give me the whole 'opposites attract' crap, isn't it? Does Fatass and…myself have the same 'opposites attract' thing? Because it doesn't work.

Nope.

Never.

Don't even think about it.

Don't fucking even.

I could be the last packet of Cheesy Poofs in the world and Fatass still wouldn't touch me. That's saying something.

You know what else 'Creek' is like? Say you have some water, like a bath full. Water; common, dull and boring. Then bring along some potassium. Or rubidium. Francium…well, that shit is hard to get for a certain reason. But let's go for the potassium, since it's a pretty common science experiment.

What happens when you drop the crazy little potassium piece into the boring old water? It's goes on fire. Purple fucking fire, and starts spazzing out, whizzing around like a hyper kid on crack. Then what? Everyone pussies out and start running and screaming when the flaming purple ball of metal jumps out and tries to 'attack'.

As a matter of fact, it hit Kenny on the face. It's amazing how he didn't die, and recovered so quickly. That's a weird thing about Kenny…But that's for another day.

But hey, rather with Tweak than me, hey? That asshole…

Besides, Tweek loves his coffee too damn much. And Craig might pass out from the coffee-ness if he tries to…kiss...him…

Oh no…I'M THINKING ABOUT IT! I'M THINKING ABOUT IT!

Wait…Google Images!

Yep, just search up kittens.

Aw, they're pretty cute! Hey, that one's playing with yarn!

Fuck my masculinity! I mean, what's even left of it now? Everyone knows kitten therapy is the best way of getting rid of unwanted thoughts, right?

What am I even doing with my life? I don't even know anymore…

Y'know…It's actually harder to rant about something if it doesn't really affect you that much. Then again, Craig even being remotely happy is kinda freaky.

On another note, after the 'flaming purple ball of death' went out, Tweek flipped out and ran into the window. Craig helped him up. I can smell the fanfictions already. I've just adapted to the sense of knowing when they're going to strike. Better off about them than me though.

Well, if you don't mind me, I'm going to try and stop Fatass from buying a shit load of potassium. He's planning to drop it into Stark's Pond for a huge explosion, and as much as I'd like that dick to be incinerated, I quite like that pond, and the ducks don't deserve it.

**A/N: Sorry for late update! Technical difficulties! Gah! I'm sorry for the suckiness of this one, but I just had exams when I was originally going to post it, and things have been a little hectic.**

**Guest Reviews!**

**24601: Sure thing! I'll get them done as soon as I can! As for Kenneth's ranting, that will take some time, but feel free to mention anything you want added!**

**StyleMarshlovski: Damn, it sucks when FF does that! But you've got a good point there! Kylenny…It kinda goes! Maybe it could get popular, who knows? Hey, that rhymed! The beauty of poetry!**

**Lwuzwhere: Randomosity. Yep, there's the squiggly red line of disapproval from Word again. Lovely word indeed! I promise to get those two done soon! Hopefully they should be worth it!**

**I3CraigT: Thank you! Poor Kylie-boo, the things he puts up with, eh? And those are some pretty good points there!**

**MysterionJapan: Well, by the looks of that list, a table may be flipped in near future, if not already. Those things get around a lot. As for Kike, that may be foreshadowing for next week's rant. Heheh…**

**ENJOY THAT PATH! SKIP DOWN IT SINGING 'FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD' AND THROW PETALS! Yep, ranting. What a glorious thing. For if it weren't for ranting, I would've crawled out a window today. **

**Well, on another note, there are four more weeks until I'll be leaving rainy ol' Ireland for some lovely sunshine! So, that means five more rants (Double-rant before I leave!) until I head off. Just wanted to warn you in advance, as there will likely not be any rants after that until late July when I return!**

**Thanks for reading! **

**-Cookie**


	38. That Kid and Kike

Oh Jesus! What the actual fuck did I just lay my eyes upon? Is it possible to erase memories or at least wash my brain somehow? Because what I have seen cannot be unseen…or unread.

I don't what's worse. The name or the actual pairing. It's me and _my little brother_, for fucks sake! And it's called Kike! Kike! That's a fucking offensive term to Jews! I mean, it's not like Fatass hasn't already called me that about 3498 times already, but really? Fucking really? Couldn't you have used something less offensively ironic?

Turns out it's also used for Karen and Ike together, which I guess I'm cool with since it, since it's realistic.

But I mean, Ike is adopted, so it's not official incest or anything, but Ike is kinda like a real bro for me, so it feels more like real incest. Besides, he's way fucking younger than me!

And what about Mom? She'd flip a fucking table if that ever happened! Of course, it wouldn't. It just wouldn't. Nope. Nope. Nada.

Why do people even do these things? Really, what's the kick you get from it? I mean, the mushy romance in general is something I don't really do, but gays, incest and whatever-the-fuck-else you can think of? Why?

I don't even know why I'm asking why, because I know already that the answer won't make any sense to me.

But of all people, Ike? Could you have picked anyone worse for me to be with? Knowing my luck, probably.

Ike's a good kid and all, but no, just no. I mean, I'm kinda surprised he doesn't hate me for kicking him all the time and giving him possible brain damage.

Seriously, who thought of this? Who? Who decided, _'Oh hey, let's make Kylie-boo-boo fall in love with his adopted brother in borderline incest! Hurray for drama!'_.

Because you, good Sir or Mam, certainly need to rethink your thoughts. Can you even rethink thoughts? I guess I never really thought about the concept…

Ignoring that, what the hell is it with people having this adoration for incest? I mean, really? How would you feel about going all out with your sister or brother? It creeps you out, doesn't it?

Well, it definitely creeps me out. Heck, more or less everything here creeps me out a little at least.


	39. That Kid and His Mom, Again

HOLD THE MOTHERFUCKING PHONE! HOLD IT! When I said last time that it couldn't get any worse, it just fucking did!

Ok, look, I'm not totally comfortable with you 'shipping' or 'pairing' me with my friends and other guys, but I accept the fact that there is little I can do to stop it, mainly because it's the internet, and I can respect your views.

BUT THIS IS FUCKING DIFFERENT!

I've been paired with my best friend, my worst enemy, other friends, dicks who I'm not really friends with, and even my own adopted brother. BUT THIS TOPS IT!

MY _MOM._

Someone paired me with my _mother_! What kind of person would do that? Did they even consider the mental scarring that would cause when I found it? Did they?! Did they do it for the sake of fucking with my fragile mind, or are they being serious?

Could anyone be serious? Why would anyone even do that? Why?! I've heard of sibling incest around, but _this_…

…This brings a horrific new meaning to the term 'Motherfucking'! Emphasis on the horrific.

Do you even have the slightest idea of what my mom would do if she found that? She'd fucking declare war on the internet, bring back an extreme version SOPA, and restrict my internet life immensely!

Who the fuck would want that? The only asshole that fits that description is Fatass, and I swear, if that dick is trying to destroy my life like this, I will shove a spiked dreidel so far up his ass that he'll have to surgically remove it!

Alright, maybe I'm over-reacting with 'destroying my life', but this is my mom we're talking about here. I love her in a normal way, but she can be a little…extreme.

But why?! I'm pretty sure we all love our mom's, for putting up with us as annoying babies, and going through labour for us, and raising us and all that, but fucking hell, nowhere near that level! That's just fucking sick! Why would anyone even do that? This is the third time I've asked that already, isn't it. And yet I'm still awaiting a goddamn answer!

Do you even know how creepy it is to even see the words 'KylexSheila'. Do you? I thought the gay stuff was bad, but Hell no, not this! Never this!

The only thing I could possibly find creepier or more horrific is me and my dad. That would horribly fuck my mind and leave me in need of years of therapy and sleeping with the lights on.

I feel sick now.

Really, how would you like it if someone writes shit about you and your mom or dad doing things no child should do with their parents!

I swear, out of everything I have ever read, seen or been through, this is the worst. And I was once trapped in a Justin Bieber concert. That's saying something.

I swear, if I ever even see something like that again, I will possibly throw my computer out the window in frustration. But then my mom would possibly castrate me…

Fuck.

**A/N: Surprise! I decided, since I don't know how long it will be until I update again after I leave for holidays, that for the next 4 weeks, it'll be Double Rants! Yep, 2 rants every week instead of 1! It's kind of like a thank you for all your kind words and support! I always appreciate it!**

**Guest Reviews!**

**Guest: Sorry that you'll have to wait a while, but hopefully the wait will be worth it! Thanks for the review!**

**Guest: Glad you do! I don't watch Adventure Time that often, but that sounds fun! If I get into it enough to do one, I will give it a go!**

**I3CraigT: I like your views on that one! They sound pretty good to me!**

**Mysterion: See? What did I tell you? Foreshadowing! And here it is! Bunny sounds like a nice little thing to add to the list! **

**Good luck with the Potassium fire, but I warn you, that stuff is ridiculously expensive and hard to get unless it's for Science class. Hurray for doing well! On the matter or flipping tables, I'm actually considering on making a table designed specifically for flipping in my GCSE Technology project! That would be fun…**

**Like I've previously mentioned, lucky me is actually getting a holiday this year! Bye-bye Ireland, love you and leave you…for 2 weeks…**

**And good on you for seeing the bright side of poverty! Optimism!**

**And now, I shall shut up until next week!**

**-Cookie**


	40. That Kid and Bunny

Y'know, I've heard a lot of gay names for these gay pairings, but so far, this one takes the cake. Or the rainbow flag. Or rainbow cake.

Bunny.

Jesus Christ, that is a pretty freakin' gay name. I mean, it sounds like a little kid's pink stuffed animal, that also happens to have flowers and rainbow sparkles. If anything, this one sounds Big Gay Al approved. Only things of high gay standard can be approved by Big Gay Al.

Of course, it Kenny and Butters. If Butters is in it, you already know it's gonna be pretty damn gay. I mean, Jesus, he has a Hello Kitty plushie which he carries round with him! The only person worse is Fatass and that goddamn Clyde Frog. It's amazing that frog's still living.

But once again, I don't fucking get it! These two don't even hang out that much! Don't give me the 'similar qualities' bullshit. _'Oh hey, they both have blonde hair and blue eyes! Perfect for Hitler's ideal Aryan race!'_

Wait a fucking second…

WAIT A MOTHERFUCKING SECOND!

Oh…no, nevermind.

I was about to say Fatass probably would've set them up to breed his ideal race and continue Hitler's plan, until I remembered the laws of M-preg. Yep, it's about 20 rants on from that, and I'm still not letting it go.

Just to go through it again, dicks and vajay-jays make babies. Not dicks and…well, dicks. Limes and coconuts. Junk in the trunk. It just doesn't work. If it becomes scientifically possible, then I know I'll be screwed when you say 'I told you so', but I'm somewhat confident it's a while before that.

But back to the 'Bunny'.

Damn…that is gay.

Seriously, why? And no, the 'opposites attract' bullshit isn't an answer to me. Kenny, in all honesty, is a bit of a player. I mean, on the inside, he really is a pretty good guy who looks out for his little sis, but still, if anything, I just don't think it would work.

Butters would want to do gay things like hold hands and hug, but I don't know if Ken would be into that. If anything, I don't know if he'd like someone without titties.

That's the main reason I don't think any of the gay relationships with Ken would work. The guy loves his titties too much.

Then again…he did use rainbows, hearts and sparkles as his magical powers in the Quest for the Stick of Truth…

…Actually, fuck it. This could almost work in a fangirl point of view. I mean, like those other pairings, better someone else than me? And I swear, if you believe I'm saying that because Stan is 'reserved' for me, I will put hair straighteners up your ass and turn them on full blast.

Ok, I can't actually do that, because I don't have a fucking clue who you are, let alone where you live, but it's the threat that counts. That's the creepiest thing about fangirls (…and boys). You know who I am, where I live, and most things about me, and yet I know fuck all about you. Creepy.

But even though Ken's Princess powers did really take away some man points, he was still pretty badass as Mysterion, so I guess that evens out the masculinity meter.

If only my masculinity meter was that high…Still not over the whole 'let's make Kylie the bitch' thing. But fuck it, what can I really do about it?

Not a lot.


	41. That Kid and Stenny

And let the pointless ranting continue!

Stenny. Y'know, that sounds like a real nasty white trash girl's name. Or maybe even a boy's. Like most of these names, it sounds weird.

But this is another one of those pairings I don't get, not that I really get any of them anyway. Why Stan and Kenny? That's just one of those weird ones.

I mean, really, Come on. The other batshit insane ones had at least a scrap of information to go off, but these guys, well, I just don't ever see it happening.

Even if we were gay.

Which we are most certainly not.

Or at least I don't think the others are.

I can even say shit about this, because there isn't even any shit to go on! Guys, this shit just wouldn't work! I don't see how it ever would. I mean, the only thing they really have in common is that we're all friends, but still!

I don't think I'll ever get this one, seriously. There are worse…like last week's…and incesty shit…but still, there really is nothing to go off here.

Firstly, who the fuck is the bitch?! If I've learnt anything from all this, I've learnt that there's always a bitch in the relationship. Heck, I'd take off my hat for a day just to not be the goddamn bitch for once. Taking off my hat is a pretty damn big deal here.

But who? Who?! Whoooooo?!

I don't even want to think of it in that sense, but who…bottoms…

Seriously.

Ok, maybe not seriously. I don't really wanna hear about all that, thanks.

I've heard some shit that's just disgusting and ludicrous. That if me and that despicable Fatass got together, that they'd somehow automatically get together. WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THAT?

Just to make it clear, that dickhole and I will never, ever, ever get together. Taylor Swift pun not intended.

If anything, this would make things incredibly awkward for me. They're my two best friends, and if they got together, I'd be stuck with Fatass, and hanging out would be awkward. I know I sound like a dick saying that, but if your friends got together and started making out, wouldn't you feel weirded out?

Don't deny it, you would a little.

Come on. Don't deny yourself. Admit it.

_Admit it._

You know what else sucks? The fact that I'm typing this under my bed because I'm meant to be going to volunteer with the dog-shit collecting. Yes, seriously. People go out and clean dog shit. And the dogs fucking know it's happening, because they act awkward and shit on walls. _Walls._

The idiotic things Garrison forces us to do. But no, apparently I'm writing shit rather than picking it up.

Stenny's got a no from me. Hell, they all have no's, so there's little point in announcing it specifically.

Wait…

Holy shit! Microsoft Word agrees with Stenny! The 'no' is underlined in blue, with 'nod' being used as a correct word.

Fuck you Word. Did you even listen to what I just said? Asshole…

Alright then. Stenny has no real logic, yet still, Word agrees.

**A/N: Sorry guys for the late update! Things are crazy right now, but hey, I can't let you kickass readers down! These ones are annoyingly short, but I'm working on lengthening them! Sorry if they're not as great, but I hope you'll bear with me!**

**Another thing. I hope you guys don't mind, but I'm going to stop replying to reviews. I'll reply to new reviewers and ones that ask questions or something like that though. The reason? I'm terrible at replying, and I feel bad for always being so late at it.**

_**Guest Reviews (Which I will continue)**_

**Good Chapter: Thank you! I personally don't agree with our darling Kylie-boo, but hey, everyone has opinions, and that's cool! Thanks for reading, and I'm glad you liked it!**

**Lwuzhere: Yep! Sorry for not updating soon like you'd hoped! I'm a terrible updater who's freaking out over staring-sheep and forgotten passports! I'll make sure the next ones are out on time though!**

**Mysterion: Well, I don't know if I killed the Bunny fanfics, but I did attempt to somewhat hack at them! When in times of fear and freaking out, hide under a blanket and clutch a plushie! It works wonders!**

**Ah yes, the bar sinks. Sinks like the Titanic did. Trust us to build a ship, huh? Well, our generation obviously didn't build her, but it's a common saying. **

**Don't disappear! The people need you! They neeeeed yoooooouu!**

**Thank you all for bearing with this awkward Authoress!**

**-Cookie**


	42. That Kid and Stanman

Hey, remember a while back when I showed my disapproval of Stan and Fatass _together _and said I'd save it for another day?

Well guess what?

It's another day!

Seriously. Jesus Christ, no. This is different from it actually working out or whatever. This one actually hits me. I mean, Stan's my best friend. He's the most awesome guy I know, and I swear, Hell shall erupt when I get round to that. We're not gay. How many times must I say this?

Then there's Fatass…

Let me just begin by saying this. I know Stan's love life really doesn't have much to do with me, other than when I'm helping him out after another break up with Wendy. Get any perverted thoughts created by the past sentence out right now, because it isn't happening. Not now, not ever.

Anyway, Stan can love whoever he wants. As long as he's happy, that's all what counts. Well, except for me of course. Not that that would ever happen anyway.

But I swear, I would actually personally break them up if such things ever happened. I know it sounds like a dickish thing to do, but Stan is a great guy who deserves way better than that shithole. Knowing Fatass, he'd only do it for personal gain, like that whole whale incident.

Fatass would only drag Stan into the dirt with him, and that's something I simply wouldn't stan for. Wait…oh Goddamnit Word! Stop using Stan as a pun in your sentence! Great, so apparently Word likes puns as well.

Screw you Word.

Besides, Fatass doesn't even like the two of us that much! Apparently, he used to like Stan, but stopped because he was too contaminated by my 'Jewie-Jewishness'. And yet, he still hangs around with us.

Idiot.

You know, if anything, the name for this sounds like a crappier version of Tool-Shed, or some generic superhero.

For example:

"_Oh my God, someone help me, this man is trying to steal my panties to sniff them!"_

"_Do not fear, for I, Stanman, is here!"_

This is the part where Stanman kicks the crap out of the Pantie-Sniffer in a dramatic sequence of 'KAPOW' and 'BAM!' comic print.

"_Oh thank you Stanman!"_

"_No worries! It's just my duty to save this world from the evils of pantie-sniffers and sock-smellers"_

You get the idea.

But really, where the fuck is the logic to this? Heck, is Fatass even capable of loving? The only things he really loves is food and himself, narcissistic dickwad. Come on, it's true. He may have been alright at one point, but I really don't think that douche would do it.

Anyway, if Fatass ever did hurt Stan in that way, I would personally kick him in the balls with great joy. Maybe even shove a dreidel up his ass. You'd be amazed how many I still have left.

And for fuck's sake, don't say I'm only saying this because I 'love' Stan. I do, like a brother or best friend. I mean, wouldn't you kick someone in the balls if they hurt your best friend?

If you wouldn't, you really are a bit of an ass.

In general, this just wouldn't work. I don't see it. And I really, really don't want to. The idea creeps me out.

Best friend and worst enemy doesn't work for anyone. It just doesn't. And I swear, I hope it never, ever will.


	43. That Kid and Cutters

Jeez, this one sounds depressing. Cutters? That sounds like an emo club. Then again, the alternative name Buttman doesn't sound great either. It sounds like a crappier superhero than Stanman. Literally. See? I attempted a pun there. Buttman? Butt? Crap?

Ok, fuck it. Sheesh, sorry for trying to be funny.

Heck, if anything, Buttman could be the villain that tries to sniff the panties of ladies passing by. Yeah…maybe.

Butters and Cartman? Strangely, I could almost see this, based on the fact that, well, Butters probably is gay now that I seriously think about it. I mean, when Fatass got aids, Butters _kissed him on the cheek._

Not to mention that, he gave Cartman a _motherfucking hickey_. Sure, he did think he was a vampire and all that, and due to Twilight, vampires are pretty gay now.

Holy shit…Butters really could be gay! I mean, seriously! Why the fuck did I never think about this before? Why?! If Hello Kitty wasn't a big enough hint! I bet he's a fucking brony as well! He is, isn't he!

And then Fatass! He took a picture with Butter's dick in his mouth, and then his dick in Butters' mouth! And then totally denied he was gay! Hell, he even shoved his fat ass in Butter's face! Sure, he was sleeping, but still! Sheesh, now I genuinely do feel sorry for the kid! The aftertaste of having…_that_ in his mouth….Aw man. That's just nasty.

In all honesty, I still believe Fatass is too narcissistic to love anyone. I do feel sorry for Butter's since Fatass does use him a lot. Then again, damn jerk uses all of us. Thing is, Butter's doesn't know he's being used.

Out of all the pairings so far, this is the only one I've actually thought could work one-sidedly, with Butters' being as gay as Big Gay Al in his Big Gay Al-mobile. Like the Batmobile, just way gayer.

The weird thing is, Butter's actually _likes _hanging around with Fatass. He _likes_ it! How the fuck is any experience with him enjoyable! Regrettable is the word I'd use to describe it.

But really, he is an idiot. Heck, I'd feel sorry for Butters if this shit ever happened, because damn, that's just nasty. How could anyone even like this? What's the point of me even asking this? I think I've already accepted that I'll never understand fan logic…and yet I'm still questioning it.

Heck, if anything, I'm pretty sure that asshole isn't even gay. He's confused on the concept of it itself! In Fatass logic, having another guy's penis in your mouth or vice versa doesn't make you gay. Maybe not full on gay if you're drunk or something, but bi-curious at the least.

This pairing is a weird one. With Butter's high gay levels and Fatass' asshole-ish qualities, it could work, but not well. I'm only saying this honestly.

And sticking with being honest, I think this is the only gay pairing I'll say that about.

**A/N: Look forward to next week's double rants guys! They'll be the last ones before I head off to Portugal!**

**Guest Reviews**

**Guest: Sure thing! I can include it in the Style rant possibly, or maybe a rant of its own! I'm always open for requests if you want any done!**

**-Cookie**


	44. That Kid and Stennman

Ok, you're fucking with me now. Who am I kidding? You're always fucking with me. But really, this one is another to be put in the 'Weird-Ass' folder in the land of Looney. That's either a region of Imaginationland or some mental hospital. Either works.

But this, is a fucking _threesome. _Hell, I'm not even sure if it's a 'love triangle' or just all three…together….

Ugh…

Stennman. I'm realising any damn pairing with Fatass sounds like a shit superhero now. Ok, a few exceptions, but generally. I mean, what the fuck would Stennman do? Fight evil with a Twinkie attached to a stick? Beat the shit out of bad guys with a trolley? Pelt them with Skittles screaming 'TASTE THE RAINBOW MOTHERFUUUUCKKKERRR!'?

Honestly, I don't even know.

And where the fuck am I in all this! Not that I'd want to be involved anyway! But Jesus…Fatass, Stan _and_ Kenny? Where the hell am I in all this? Sitting awkwardly on the sidelines thinking _'Well….fuck_'?

Ok, that probably does sound self-centred, but cut me some slack here! Sheesh! My best friends and guy-who's-not-really-my-friend-and-more-of-a-disli ked-acquaintance are _'getting in on'_. How the fuck am I meant to react to that! How the fuck is anyone meant to react to that!

I don't even…I mean, I've already went over Stan and Fatass, but Fatass and Kenny? Jesus Christ…What the fuck is that one called? Kenman? Reminds me of Barbie's Ken, and damn, that guy has to be secretly gay. He fucking has to!

Hey, it sounds like a gay superhero, fighting evil and delivering justice fabulously in a designer pink shirt and rainbow tutu.

In a way, it's actually ironic. Gay superhero. Gay pairing. You know? Double the gay, but still not as gay as Big-Gay-Al.

Really, if anything, I don't want to even think about this one.

Oh Jesus…FUCKING THREESOMES! As if two isn't fucking bad enough, oh no, let's add another! Whoop-dee-fucking-doo!

I'm not a homophobe, but the idea is pretty off-putting. Just…ew….Fatass is bad, but…ew…

Ew is the only word to really describe it. You can say shit like 'OH HOT DAMN, THIS SHIT BE HAWT!', but I don't see it and never will, not even with some sort of specially engineered Fan-vision glasses. You'd have to be trained before putting those on though, or the weak-minded could be horribly scarred for life.

This shit just doesn't work. Really, I hope for humanity's sake and the eyes of the innocent that this shit never happens.

Or at least for my sake. Come on! Do you really want to hang out with your friends only to have them to things are certainly not rated PG 13?

Do you? Do you really? Oh fuck, that sounded just like Fatass.


	45. That Kid and Stylenny

FUCK THIS SHIT!

Remember when I thought Stennman was bad? Well, what the fuck is _this _shit!

Stylenny. This one doesn't sound like any kind of superhero, let alone a gay one or a useless one.

If I had a flame-thrower, I'd use it to burn this shit. Ok, that's hardly logical, since all I'd do is turn my computer into charcoal, but still, it's the general idea that counts.

I haven't even got to the _thing _called Style, which is total bullshit, but fuck this! If that's not bad enough, why not just throw Kenny in there because it's '_SO FUCKING HAWT!'._

The temperature doesn't freaking matter! I don't give a shit if it's freeze-your-balls-off cold or roast-your-nipples-hot! And if by any chance that you do rip your nips off, then you'll be no-nipped! I have no idea where that fits into this whole subject, but hey, how would you feel without nipples?

You'd probably freak out at first at your missing nipples, then eventually not give a shit. That's how I used to feel about all this. Heck, sometimes I don't mind it as much, then I find weird ass shit, and suddenly I care again!

But really, just no.

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

NOPE.

I thought my best friends and guy-who's-not-really-my-friend-and-more-of-a-disli ked-acquaintance together was bad enough, but this! This is just a big-ass no-no! Bigger than Cartman's ass kind of no-no! And that's pretty fucking big!

Do you and your friends casually have threesomes! I don't think so! So why is it that we apparently do! Can you even begin to imagine how damn awkward it would be!

I'm not even going to bother pointing out the logical values of this, because it's not going to fucking happen. I'd rather eat a brick and shit it out. Still less painful than the idea of this ever happening.

And then sometimes, this shit is about them fighting for me! I'm not a goddamn object, thank you very much!

Seriously! Is it impossible for a bunch of friends to just hang out or just be together without them having sex in a closet five minutes later! Jesus!

Again, let's reference the Fan-Vision glasses once again, until it gets as old and as crappy as dinosaur crap!

In normal vision, it would be like '_Oh, those guys are hanging out. How I give no fucks whatsoever'_

But in Fan-Vison, '_OH MORMON JESUS, THESE GUYS ARE HANGING OUT! FUCK YES, THIS CLEARLY MEANS THEY'LL BE MAKING OUT AGAINST THAT TREE BEFORE GETTING IT OOOOON! BAM-CHIKA-WOW-WOW!'_

Sure, not everything's like that, but sometimes it sure as hell feels like it!

**A/N: And that's it for a while guys! I'm going to miss you and the weekly updates while I'm gone! I'll be gone for a whole month! On the bright side, I'll have some time then to bulk up future rants!**

**So, thanks again to every reader and reviewer! Heck, the story will probably be over 400 reviews by the next post, so I'll thank you all in advance! I always appreciate it!**

**I'm sorry for the shortness of recent chapters. The last few weeks have been busier than the year so far put together for me! I guess when it comes to length I can be too hard on myself, but despite the terrible shortness, I hope you enjoyed the Double Rants!**

**Guest Reviews**

**Cassidy: Hey there! Thank you, it's awesome that you're enjoying this crazy ranting!**

**Mysterion: Journalism could be fun, especially with most future newspapers likely being online. The idea of sitting around writing sounds fun! Especially with an awesome Swivel Chair! **

**Maybe an awkward mixture of both? That usually works pretty well!**

**And thank you indeed! I even watched the episode 'Cartman Sucks' while writing it to really get in 'the Zone'. And of course Batman kicks ass! I once wore a Batman t-shirt and ran around, claiming I was 'Bat-Dude'. Bat-Dude's days of fighting crime ended rather suddenly though when I realised that I generally sucked ass and didn't want to be sued.**

**Well guys, that's it for a while! It's been a great run so far, and in late July, I'll return with a ranty-Jew and plenty more chaos, including the Kyman and Style rants sometime around August to mark Kyle's Rants 1 year Anniversary! **

**-Cookie**


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